New Season…

It has been awhile. FINALLY I think things MAYBE looking up. praise GOD any God you wish. There is this peak of light that I can see. Summer came and went and I am happy to post that I was able to get thru most of it with out having a major day of SHAME. Or maybe the few days I should have felt that way I just ignored it and moved forward. Long trying summer worked my ass off and hoping to reap the rewards. I did not concentrate on NOT drinking and by doing that I think I drank less. Actually I did not focus on anything but work. I only weeded my garden three times, have not worked out since June when the yoga studio closed (I did run into my yoga instructor…guess where…THE BEER GARDENS at the state fair HAHAHA) OMMM. I worked and worked and worked and happy to report I may reap the benifits this fall. I feel I am stuck until I get the finances in order than I can move on to a little enjoyment.

I also learned lol that a few people think they know my drinking patterns. Which I never thought anyone would be keeping up on that. I went to a wedding one night, the next day I was at a family function and two people said to me: “wow you look pretty good for being at a wedding last night, we thought for sure you would be hung over” like really I thought… F U… and many other thoughts and insults came flowing into my brain. So yeah obviously it bothered me that people would say that…ha the truth hurts. I was proud that they said I looked good BECAUSE I WAS HUNGOVER. Anyway always some defect to work on. Never ending work to become an acceptable human being.

I GAVE MONEY TO A PANHANDLER is this SELFISH OR NOT

Summer is finally in full swing. I am SO glad June is almost over. Married off my oldest son and the stress of that just about sent me over the edge…they were insistant on the big wedding at their expense but entailed out of town guests and family which required much interaction on my part. It was nice and now over with the married couple saying they should have just eloped. Hindsight 20/20.
I managed to keep my drinking to a minimum which on a few nights was very hard. I have been keeping things under control and am not waking up thinking if I will drink in the evening. I just stopped making it my focus point. Life is so dismal and I am slowly realizing I was blaming it all on the cocktails which gave me an excuse to continue on my self loathing path. So a new chapter begins without boozing(as in wasted) as the focus but I am at a loss on what to do financially. Working my ass off like many self employed for no cash is getting hard. Constantly applying for jobs with the constant rejection of over qualified or under qualified. I need to make money plain and simple. I am a super hard worker and so dedicated it is scary. I am at a point where something has to give good or bad it has to give.
I have been thankful for all the good in my life…health, family etc but it does not pay the bills. Looking for ideas. I know I am not alone in this arena. I was driving the other day and one of those guys with the cardboard sign was on my exit ramp “Need Work” I have never given any of them money but on that day I had my last $10 and I gave it to him, not sure why but I was hoping it was for the right reason and not because I needed something good to happen to me. Than I thought shit I should panhandle…crazy thoughts come in to your mind under stress. If I shared them all you would think I should be locked up. I want to believe this will all work out. Sad state of affairs for most with secrets, financial worries, health issues etc. Well at least I am not boozing it all away for the time being…so pray to your God for me that some light comes my way.

Good Friday…Freebie

Well it Good Friday. As far back as I can remember it is always a gloomy day,  I was taught to believe that Good Friday is the Friday within the Holy Week  and is a time of fasting and penance, the anniversary of Christ’s crucifixion and death. I never understood why the word ‘good’ is used.  Seems to me it should be ‘bad’ Friday.  I so remember fasting and going to confession to clear my soul.  I would lie in the confessional as a young child because I didn’t have any sins to tell.  Isn’t that funny the church  brainwashed me into thinking I HAD to be bad, I must have sins.  Good Lord I even had a script they made us memorize…Bless me Father for I have sinned… Those Catholics always trying to cleanse us. No wonder I’m f***** up with my guilt.

But for today it IS A GOOD FRIDAY!! I have been very good to myself.  No indulging (well one happy hour which I kept to a dull roar).  Feeling better .  It is nice to not have self imposed punishment.

So for all the sinners be kind to yourself today, history tells us someone else paid for your sins today.

Can I just say NO????

Whew!! Made it thru the weekend! Two killer yogas classes done. Went to my cocktail party. This was a perfect storm for me. Nice weather, Saturday, women only, good booze served and good food. I decided to bring tattoo girl with me as I knew she would not want to stay long and is not of drinking age. I observed how others drank. Interesting and telling that I for sure know I have a slight problem. Most of these people can just have one or two. For me that is basically impossible as I am an all or none kind of person. Why have two??? Whats the point in that? That is my problem. I took my drink that was served to me, held it, went to the bathroom and dumped it out. No one noticed. Two friends asked if I wanted to drop tatoo girl off and go to the bar or go to my garage. I said sure because I am a coward that way. I said I will call you when I drop her…wtf??? I tell tatoo girl in the car I don’t want to hang out with these people, so I call them and bail, telling them all is quiet at the garage and tatoo girl needs the car…lies, lies, lies. But it got me thru. I had a few temptations over the weekend starting with Friday as I went to purchase a gift for Saturday and walked in to the boutique and holy shit they are having their anniversary party complete with Vodka drinks greeting me at the door…shit shit shit what the heck is this legal? Dont they have to have a liquor license? I took the little cup to be polite and set it down on a table. Why I just didn’t say no thanks is beyond me. Got the heck out of there as I saw a friend browsing around and did not want talk to her and have my fun mood kick in. Went home and my better half is having a beer…ugggggg. We live in a place where the weather sucks…cold, snow etc. It is very customary to have heated garages complete with TV’s, refrigerators, smoke ventilation ( a personal bar really) etc. I am married to a contractor so my garage is stellar the first man cave if you will. Complete with bar and stools nice lighting, etc. People love coming here. Smoking is allowed in here as no one smokes in their homes but everyone seems to be a closet smoker. So he is there having happy hour. I immediately went in to the house and randomly starting cooking to distract myself. Thankful for the building separation. He comes in asks if I am coming out…now he knows I am coming off my hangover. He says: you don’t have to join me if you don’t want too. That is the perfect ploy from him. I said I will come out and sit with you. I did. I didn’t drink. He tells me I am too hard on myself. I just know this was a fun life in its time. I need to be done with the booze as my primary source of entertainment, stress relief, time killer etc. Hoping for a good week…

Enough

Enough.  Thats enough.  Now wait a minute.   First I am not hungover.  I have not had a drink in over two weeks.  I stopped counting because it made me a little stir crazy.  I have taken the time to read my blog from start to finish and it makes me sick.  What I have written has been written a million times by the addicted.  The self loathing, pity, humorous banter.  When every word that was written never addressed the truth of the alcohol.  IT WILL KILL YOU and or IT CAN BRING A NEAR DEATH experience.  We all know it hurts your loved ones, job, character etc.  somehow the hurt it can cause is so forefront we all forget that YOU CAN DIE.  For the boozer the hurt factor is great because hell it avoids THE DEATH issue.  As long as I get bitched at for hurting everyone the focus becomes that not that my liver is rotting, my brain cells deteriorating, my decision making out the window and I could be left for dead.  It is truly a sick deal and one that is widely accepted like Visa.  I have no real point here other than by an unfortunate circumstance from AL K HALL  I have seen the light.

Middle…I like it

I made it through January without a slur.  HUGE DEAL for me.  Not to say I did not indulge but I did not slur which means I did not get hammered to the point of regret.  I was on a pretty good sober roll for a while then had a double whammy back to back extended happy hours two days in a row.  BUT I DID NOT SLUR.  I moved into the following days without my typical Catholic shame guilt trip.  Gosh that was nice.  Not to say I wasn’t tired and hung but not carrying that backpack of shit really helped.  With my new-found low key attitude I am craving less and less of my happy hours.   Just rolling with it and it seems to be working. 

We all fall down and most get up…sorta like tattoo girl plastered on her body (she still does not know I know, amazing I have kept that to myself).  What is interesting when you are down is how easy it is to get back up and fuck up.   The hard part is to get all the way up.  I believe most of us get half way up very quickly but it is the full stance that is hard to accomplish  at least for me.   I dont think I want to stand all the way.  I am comfortable half up half down, you know in the middle.  I like the middle.   Some will argue that it is not right in our culture to not want to be the best you can be all the time.  I have decided to be the best I can be for that moment,  today may be stellar, tomorrow ummm… maybe the bar not set to high.  I do know that I DON’T WANT TO BE DOWN so knowing that and believing it finally maybe I can stay in the middle.  I can’t live just one way all the time it is impossible.   I know I can’t live by expectations from my self or others I just can’t.  My experience with expectations is that disappointment always follows.   Feeling alright about things for the moment.

Jackpot

Day seven…No drinks in seven days.  It is nice that it is happening on it own kind of.  I am not thinking about it too much so it just seems to naturally be happening.  Casino brain.  You know when you are at a casino and you are playing the slots and when you just daze out and not think about  the money or the math of it all and your mind gets just zoned…and all of a sudden you win.  That is what I am feeling like…so now just waiting for the jackpot to drop.

MODERATION

I turned down happy hour three times so far this week!!!  My week in review is:  Wed Decemeber 1, 2010  3 cocktails at a bar 4 cocktails at home.  Satruday Dec 4, 2010 six cocktails.  Nothing since then.  Okay I know that is not a big milestone but for me it makes me feel proud that I have turned down the offers!  Can’t promise for the future.  Moderation is nice…BORING…but nice to wake up not needing the Visine.  Going to be a tough go the next few weeks as the holiday cheer spills its way in.

Booze or Blunt

 21 Yeas Old is the year of passage.  The year you can finally belly up to the bar.  The year you love getting carded.  The year you walk proudly in to the liquor store.  You now are an official adult because you can legally get drunk. 

My middle son just turned 21.  I will tell you I was awaiting for his birthday…going out with the family, having drinks at a bar.  I love the bar.  I don’t go very often anymore but when I do I get this calming excitement.   So we are at the bar and he is getting the 21 year old birthday treatment, free cheap rail drink, tee-shirt and pressure to consume more booze.  He ditched the cheap drink, passed on the shot and gave the tee to his sister.  He sat calmly drinking a Rolling Rock.   He looks up and says…”this is nice but to tell you the truth I would rather be at my apartment smoking a blunt than drinking at a bar” …WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW.  I wasn’t sure if I should laugh, yell, cry or be grateful…

Slipping in to Monday

I just re read my completely tantrum laiden post I wrote on Saturday.  Hung over I was and the shame followed AS USUAL.  I still am not sure why I write here.  I am sure there are several people that could decifer why I do.  Now a beautiful Monday.  Sober for day two.  I just received a call from a past client thanking me for helping her get her deal done a few monthes ago.  It is always so nice to hear that restores my faith.  Hoping to have a good week.  Going to try and not indulge and see what happens. It is a very slippery slope for me. I was proud yesterday, one of my sons returned from Afganistan and I did not drink for the celebration.  I will be honest what kept me sober was I knew I had to drive someone home later that evening.  Regardless I stayed sober.    I still hate Wells Fargo.