HABITS

I have discovered will power. Well maybe not.   I knew it was around but gosh just the words ‘WILL POWER” are intimidating.  I figured out that all the years and talk of will power is bs.  Of coarse strength is needed to change but really it is habits.  Every thing we do consistently good or bad is a habit.  Tying your shoes is  a habit.   To change a habit and you can is a lovely thing.  I have also discovered the power of my habits. Which was an interesting discovery which lead me to very slowly change my ways.  As we all know I am the person who had a two year pity party, complete with blame, booze and self pity.  I read my posts and it makes me sad, pathetic too especially the Dorthy one and I remember that day, I was in a dark place that day.   Those feelings were very real to me.  I was miserable.  I was crying out on WordPress!!  LOL!!  I was tired of all of it,  I was sick of myself.   I am not sure what did it for me to switch up but I think it was a book about habits that I stumbled upon.  It explained how habits are formed and can be changed by simply changing a few things.  So I actually started the process of changing my habits by setting my sights on not smoking.The book said to change one thing in your routine and also to have a reward.  I changed my get out of bed routine.  I normally went right for the coffee and Marlboros.  I needed a reward to change so I bought a really nice bar of hand soap that smells really good.  So first thing in the morning I wash my face, brush my teeth and wash my hands with this lovely scent.  I love it. If I am home every time I want to smoke and don’t I go wash my hands.    I have learned when you change things you must reward yourself in some manner to keep the good habit going.  My no smoking lead to no drinking.  I was so sick of the drinking and the habit was strong, I was on auto pilot.  It was my physical habit that kept it going; the way I moved thru my day, what triggers I put out there.  It was not for me like I felt a strong Need to drink, I just didn’t know what to do without it mentally, socially etc.  It was a very very bad habit.  I am not focusing on not drinking it seems to be working itself out on its own. I have not drank in over a month.   I stay busy, wash my hands alot and wake up feeling good.  I  pay attention to my senses,  it is amazing when you really think about it, seeing, smelling, hearing, touching etc.  Everything I do thru the day I try to really pay attention to my senses.  It is weird but it slows me way way down and puts my total focus off the bad things.   Its strange but it for some reason I discovered these small things and life is going well.  There will always be a list of things to work on but for now I am just content.

For the few of you who commented and were there for me during my dark days thank you, thank you, thank you!!!  You will never know that I needed that interaction.  One day at a time.  Peace and Rock on!

Best and Worse

Best thing about not being hung over…
1) not dehydrated
2) clear eyes
3) not a bitch
4) motivated

Worst thing
1)reality
2)trying not to drink in celebration of not drinking

Dayafterthe HOLIDAY hangover

Mid Holiday hangover. I honestly hate these holidays back to back. It is too much. Going from giving, enjoying and not giving a shit about work, bills, working out and obligations before Christmas “Oh don’t worry about that now It’s Christmas” to Celebrate the new year and talk of new beginnings to be better in one capacity or another, oh and hurry up and think of a resolution to do something or make your self a better person (right after you were allowed to blow your life off for Christmas). All in seven days…too much.
But being it is ingrained in my head to at least think of something I could do to make my self better in the new year I have come up with I am going to try and not swear. Now I think that is a good thing. It may just trickle down to other areas in my life that are lacking. If I don’t swear I for sure can’t drink as they go hand in hand. If I don’t swear maybe I won’t talk so much and that would make me a better listener. I will have to really think before I speak…. As they new year approaches I can only hope to be what I want to be which is truly aware of what I am doing every second of my day. I can only hope to have a little space between my thoughts to stop and think so that I can make the best decisions for me. I actually hope that for everyone.

Click Your Heels Three Times…

“A place where there isn’t any trouble. Do you suppose there is such a place, Toto? There must be. It’s not a place you can get to by a boat or a train. It’s far, far away. Behind the moon, beyond the rain.” Judy Garland/Dorthy

I don’t get it.  Really I don’t.  What is the message? In six hours I went from seeing the light to it all falling apart.  Four big deals fell apart.  Just like that boom.  I cant even feel sorry for myself.  I am numb.   I want to crawl in a cave.  I cannot see the message being sent to me.  Where is Glenda the good witch to tell me the secret like she told Dorthy?  Why am I stuck in Munchkin Land?  Why does my yellow brick road keep getting shut down for construction?  I don’t know but laying down in the poppy field is looking attractive…

New Season…

It has been awhile. FINALLY I think things MAYBE looking up. praise GOD any God you wish. There is this peak of light that I can see. Summer came and went and I am happy to post that I was able to get thru most of it with out having a major day of SHAME. Or maybe the few days I should have felt that way I just ignored it and moved forward. Long trying summer worked my ass off and hoping to reap the rewards. I did not concentrate on NOT drinking and by doing that I think I drank less. Actually I did not focus on anything but work. I only weeded my garden three times, have not worked out since June when the yoga studio closed (I did run into my yoga instructor…guess where…THE BEER GARDENS at the state fair HAHAHA) OMMM. I worked and worked and worked and happy to report I may reap the benifits this fall. I feel I am stuck until I get the finances in order than I can move on to a little enjoyment.

I also learned lol that a few people think they know my drinking patterns. Which I never thought anyone would be keeping up on that. I went to a wedding one night, the next day I was at a family function and two people said to me: “wow you look pretty good for being at a wedding last night, we thought for sure you would be hung over” like really I thought… F U… and many other thoughts and insults came flowing into my brain. So yeah obviously it bothered me that people would say that…ha the truth hurts. I was proud that they said I looked good BECAUSE I WAS HUNGOVER. Anyway always some defect to work on. Never ending work to become an acceptable human being.

The holiday is over

One more holiday done.  I spent the long weekend with the phone off in hopes of turning it on and receiving some good information on the financial scene.  I shut it off with a few potential sales in the hopper with only grim news on Tuesday.  I did however take the time away from work to try and do what you should be doing on days off.  I weeded my garden, saw my inlaws, went to the river, took a walk, enjoyed my husband and tried to smile the whole time.  It was nice.  I find myself envious of those who can work and then shut work off and do normal things.  I can never shut off work its like I am addicted to its dismal existence.

I did indulge in mojitos figuring I should use the mint from my garden (tried to post a photo but IT IS NOT WORKING!   Yes I over indulged.  Of coarse life was great for about three hours.  Hit the sack and found the tears streaming down my face as my husband slept soundly. I can cry silently like the girl at her first overnight camp shaking and crying but does it in way that her bunkmate will never know.  I know not to drink when there is so much on my mind IT IS NEVER a good idea.  Two days later and still trying to shake off the gloom.  Tatoo girl is home on school break, she is eyeing me she knows something is going on with me.

Go to yoga and guess what….THEY CLOSED over the weekend.  CLOSED LIKE NEVER OPENING AGAIN.  I am so bummed for them I knew they were struggling.  And I am bummed for ME…it was saving my ass…really not kidding, it has kept the slur factor away or at least infrequent.

Six job applications completed today and one new home I listed today, a full day and I am still staring at the computer searching jobs, marketing and all my contacts…I wish I could see what I am doing wrong…

I GAVE MONEY TO A PANHANDLER is this SELFISH OR NOT

Summer is finally in full swing. I am SO glad June is almost over. Married off my oldest son and the stress of that just about sent me over the edge…they were insistant on the big wedding at their expense but entailed out of town guests and family which required much interaction on my part. It was nice and now over with the married couple saying they should have just eloped. Hindsight 20/20.
I managed to keep my drinking to a minimum which on a few nights was very hard. I have been keeping things under control and am not waking up thinking if I will drink in the evening. I just stopped making it my focus point. Life is so dismal and I am slowly realizing I was blaming it all on the cocktails which gave me an excuse to continue on my self loathing path. So a new chapter begins without boozing(as in wasted) as the focus but I am at a loss on what to do financially. Working my ass off like many self employed for no cash is getting hard. Constantly applying for jobs with the constant rejection of over qualified or under qualified. I need to make money plain and simple. I am a super hard worker and so dedicated it is scary. I am at a point where something has to give good or bad it has to give.
I have been thankful for all the good in my life…health, family etc but it does not pay the bills. Looking for ideas. I know I am not alone in this arena. I was driving the other day and one of those guys with the cardboard sign was on my exit ramp “Need Work” I have never given any of them money but on that day I had my last $10 and I gave it to him, not sure why but I was hoping it was for the right reason and not because I needed something good to happen to me. Than I thought shit I should panhandle…crazy thoughts come in to your mind under stress. If I shared them all you would think I should be locked up. I want to believe this will all work out. Sad state of affairs for most with secrets, financial worries, health issues etc. Well at least I am not boozing it all away for the time being…so pray to your God for me that some light comes my way.

Good Friday…Freebie

Well it Good Friday. As far back as I can remember it is always a gloomy day,  I was taught to believe that Good Friday is the Friday within the Holy Week  and is a time of fasting and penance, the anniversary of Christ’s crucifixion and death. I never understood why the word ‘good’ is used.  Seems to me it should be ‘bad’ Friday.  I so remember fasting and going to confession to clear my soul.  I would lie in the confessional as a young child because I didn’t have any sins to tell.  Isn’t that funny the church  brainwashed me into thinking I HAD to be bad, I must have sins.  Good Lord I even had a script they made us memorize…Bless me Father for I have sinned… Those Catholics always trying to cleanse us. No wonder I’m f***** up with my guilt.

But for today it IS A GOOD FRIDAY!! I have been very good to myself.  No indulging (well one happy hour which I kept to a dull roar).  Feeling better .  It is nice to not have self imposed punishment.

So for all the sinners be kind to yourself today, history tells us someone else paid for your sins today.

Business and Friends DO NOT MIX

I am done being nice to people. God people forget what you do for them. I have a friend who was down on her luck a few years ago, her husband got himself in loads of trouble and is currently sporting stripped outfits everyday and his windows have bars on them. They lost their home and she has a daughter. My heart went out to her and I offered a rental home I own for her to rent. The deal was she was to pay 700 a month (which by the way does not even cover the mortgage) for a year. If after a year she chose to stay the rent would go to 900 or she was free to move. The year passed and she was still not up to speed financially so I being the f****** nice person let her stay. Now I just told her that the rent is going up and I was sorry to do it but I can not sustain the property anymore at that price. She is livid, like she has totally forgotten all the shit I have did for her. I hate it when people act like there shit is my shit.  I don’t dump my stuff on anyone EVER, hence why I write here and why my friends really don’t know shit about me.  Fuck I am down on my luck to. I was nice to you, I let you have your fucking cats which I hate. She is living in a nice single family three bedroom home with a yard and nice garage and she is not even thankful anymore. So funny how people forget generosity. So I am booting her out…one more friend out the door. I am not going to feel guilty over this, I am not going to let her make me feel bad. This is a total drinking situation for me as I could drink and talk about this for hours. Yoga at 5 cannot come soon enough. Need that distraction today. Good thing I didnt drink last night I would be a raving nutcase today. I am done done done being generous to people it burns me every time.