New Season…

It has been awhile. FINALLY I think things MAYBE looking up. praise GOD any God you wish. There is this peak of light that I can see. Summer came and went and I am happy to post that I was able to get thru most of it with out having a major day of SHAME. Or maybe the few days I should have felt that way I just ignored it and moved forward. Long trying summer worked my ass off and hoping to reap the rewards. I did not concentrate on NOT drinking and by doing that I think I drank less. Actually I did not focus on anything but work. I only weeded my garden three times, have not worked out since June when the yoga studio closed (I did run into my yoga instructor…guess where…THE BEER GARDENS at the state fair HAHAHA) OMMM. I worked and worked and worked and happy to report I may reap the benifits this fall. I feel I am stuck until I get the finances in order than I can move on to a little enjoyment.

I also learned lol that a few people think they know my drinking patterns. Which I never thought anyone would be keeping up on that. I went to a wedding one night, the next day I was at a family function and two people said to me: “wow you look pretty good for being at a wedding last night, we thought for sure you would be hung over” like really I thought… F U… and many other thoughts and insults came flowing into my brain. So yeah obviously it bothered me that people would say that…ha the truth hurts. I was proud that they said I looked good BECAUSE I WAS HUNGOVER. Anyway always some defect to work on. Never ending work to become an acceptable human being.

I GAVE MONEY TO A PANHANDLER is this SELFISH OR NOT

Summer is finally in full swing. I am SO glad June is almost over. Married off my oldest son and the stress of that just about sent me over the edge…they were insistant on the big wedding at their expense but entailed out of town guests and family which required much interaction on my part. It was nice and now over with the married couple saying they should have just eloped. Hindsight 20/20.
I managed to keep my drinking to a minimum which on a few nights was very hard. I have been keeping things under control and am not waking up thinking if I will drink in the evening. I just stopped making it my focus point. Life is so dismal and I am slowly realizing I was blaming it all on the cocktails which gave me an excuse to continue on my self loathing path. So a new chapter begins without boozing(as in wasted) as the focus but I am at a loss on what to do financially. Working my ass off like many self employed for no cash is getting hard. Constantly applying for jobs with the constant rejection of over qualified or under qualified. I need to make money plain and simple. I am a super hard worker and so dedicated it is scary. I am at a point where something has to give good or bad it has to give.
I have been thankful for all the good in my life…health, family etc but it does not pay the bills. Looking for ideas. I know I am not alone in this arena. I was driving the other day and one of those guys with the cardboard sign was on my exit ramp “Need Work” I have never given any of them money but on that day I had my last $10 and I gave it to him, not sure why but I was hoping it was for the right reason and not because I needed something good to happen to me. Than I thought shit I should panhandle…crazy thoughts come in to your mind under stress. If I shared them all you would think I should be locked up. I want to believe this will all work out. Sad state of affairs for most with secrets, financial worries, health issues etc. Well at least I am not boozing it all away for the time being…so pray to your God for me that some light comes my way.

Enough

Enough.  Thats enough.  Now wait a minute.   First I am not hungover.  I have not had a drink in over two weeks.  I stopped counting because it made me a little stir crazy.  I have taken the time to read my blog from start to finish and it makes me sick.  What I have written has been written a million times by the addicted.  The self loathing, pity, humorous banter.  When every word that was written never addressed the truth of the alcohol.  IT WILL KILL YOU and or IT CAN BRING A NEAR DEATH experience.  We all know it hurts your loved ones, job, character etc.  somehow the hurt it can cause is so forefront we all forget that YOU CAN DIE.  For the boozer the hurt factor is great because hell it avoids THE DEATH issue.  As long as I get bitched at for hurting everyone the focus becomes that not that my liver is rotting, my brain cells deteriorating, my decision making out the window and I could be left for dead.  It is truly a sick deal and one that is widely accepted like Visa.  I have no real point here other than by an unfortunate circumstance from AL K HALL  I have seen the light.

Middle…I like it

I made it through January without a slur.  HUGE DEAL for me.  Not to say I did not indulge but I did not slur which means I did not get hammered to the point of regret.  I was on a pretty good sober roll for a while then had a double whammy back to back extended happy hours two days in a row.  BUT I DID NOT SLUR.  I moved into the following days without my typical Catholic shame guilt trip.  Gosh that was nice.  Not to say I wasn’t tired and hung but not carrying that backpack of shit really helped.  With my new-found low key attitude I am craving less and less of my happy hours.   Just rolling with it and it seems to be working. 

We all fall down and most get up…sorta like tattoo girl plastered on her body (she still does not know I know, amazing I have kept that to myself).  What is interesting when you are down is how easy it is to get back up and fuck up.   The hard part is to get all the way up.  I believe most of us get half way up very quickly but it is the full stance that is hard to accomplish  at least for me.   I dont think I want to stand all the way.  I am comfortable half up half down, you know in the middle.  I like the middle.   Some will argue that it is not right in our culture to not want to be the best you can be all the time.  I have decided to be the best I can be for that moment,  today may be stellar, tomorrow ummm… maybe the bar not set to high.  I do know that I DON’T WANT TO BE DOWN so knowing that and believing it finally maybe I can stay in the middle.  I can’t live just one way all the time it is impossible.   I know I can’t live by expectations from my self or others I just can’t.  My experience with expectations is that disappointment always follows.   Feeling alright about things for the moment.

Booze or Blunt

 21 Yeas Old is the year of passage.  The year you can finally belly up to the bar.  The year you love getting carded.  The year you walk proudly in to the liquor store.  You now are an official adult because you can legally get drunk. 

My middle son just turned 21.  I will tell you I was awaiting for his birthday…going out with the family, having drinks at a bar.  I love the bar.  I don’t go very often anymore but when I do I get this calming excitement.   So we are at the bar and he is getting the 21 year old birthday treatment, free cheap rail drink, tee-shirt and pressure to consume more booze.  He ditched the cheap drink, passed on the shot and gave the tee to his sister.  He sat calmly drinking a Rolling Rock.   He looks up and says…”this is nice but to tell you the truth I would rather be at my apartment smoking a blunt than drinking at a bar” …WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW.  I wasn’t sure if I should laugh, yell, cry or be grateful…

Slipping in to Monday

I just re read my completely tantrum laiden post I wrote on Saturday.  Hung over I was and the shame followed AS USUAL.  I still am not sure why I write here.  I am sure there are several people that could decifer why I do.  Now a beautiful Monday.  Sober for day two.  I just received a call from a past client thanking me for helping her get her deal done a few monthes ago.  It is always so nice to hear that restores my faith.  Hoping to have a good week.  Going to try and not indulge and see what happens. It is a very slippery slope for me. I was proud yesterday, one of my sons returned from Afganistan and I did not drink for the celebration.  I will be honest what kept me sober was I knew I had to drive someone home later that evening.  Regardless I stayed sober.    I still hate Wells Fargo.

This Market Makes me Drink and I hate Wells Fargo

 Saturday…HUNG OVER.   Ended up having a nice deal fall apart thanks to WELLS FARGO  and all of theirguidelines.  Sold a nice home to a quailified buyer and low and behold because many many moons ago the property was a single family but converted to a row house with two units and my client was planning on converting it back to a single family Wells Fargo says no no no we will not loan you money on it.  It has to be classified as a single family or we look at it as investment property.  Honestly who comes up with this shit?  The guy is putting 25% down and has perfect credit and is a fucking doctor,  So yep fell apart and the good Dr and his wife are now going to stay renters in their $4000 a month rental condo. 

No surprise why I drink. 

Been a while since I posted.  Barley holding it all together.  Working my ass off.  Shining like a star all day, your best company at night all while the misery eats me alive.

Sober Saturday

Well I have not had a drink since Tuesday. Last night was one of those nights where I turned into a brat for a few hours. There is something between 4-6pm that triggers the I want a buzz feeling. My better half has been working long hard days and ending the day early so that leaves me in the dust. I don’t drink alone always looking for a partner. I was counting on a few and he was not in the mode so I found myself picking on him. WTF is that? Honestly sometimes I wonder if we didn’t tip a few together what would we have. Oh that is scary to type. It subsided around 7 pm and I made dinner, stopped being a brat and hit the hay. Crawling in bed I have the gull to tell myself “good thing I didn’t drink” and actually felt proud…like it was my accomplishment when it was not my choice but imposed on me. I was watching 20/20 about mothers who secretly drink and my thoughts were well I am not that … hiding wine bottles in my closets driving around looking for random trash cans to dispose of them…but really we all know I am not any better. Funny how I am so judgemental to make my shit look better. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. I better get a brick house. Well I guess what ever way I slice the pie in the end I am not hung over and feeling good today. I can’t decide if I want to stay on this path or if I am deserving of a few tonite…

Sober Sunday

I have been trying to think the last week on why the heck I went to word press to start a blog.  I have never blogged before but have often looked at others.   I remember exactly how I felt the day I wrote the first entry. I felt like shit.  What I don’t know is what I was really looking for.  Probably some sort of validation, help,friendship or distraction from actually taking steps to correct my behavior that ultimatly makes me feel like shit.  I do know that it does make a person feel good to get that email or comment from your blog.  It is a funny thing really.  No it is a desperate thing if you are not doing this for money. 

I will tell you I would love a fairytale ending like savekaryn she worked that hard, very impressive. 

I avoided a big big party last night and am super proud of myself. Neighbors had a big bash and I am taking comfort that I did not go and I am still seeing people exit there house looking a little slumpish and rumpled.  I think I will be black balled for not attending but in the end that is a good thing.   The past ten days I have only indulged twice.  Pretty good for me. 

I am balancing avoidance…I have been avoiding the things that need to be taken care of, money, drinking, self. and indulging in the most stupid things to continue my avoidance.  Now because of that the options are nil. 

I am feeling desperate this week.  My life has spirled out of control.  It is not funny anymore. 

Had great news this week.  My daughter was accepted into her first choice University.  She is so excited.  I am too for her.  The sad thing is there is so much underlying for me I have to fake the happiness.  I am not sure how I am going to get her there. 

So here I was this morning reading my  favorite blogs one being the barnone (makes me laught) the other being savekaryn from 2002 (totally can relate x 100), hotyogadoctor (makes me feel healthy even though I have been MIA for three weeks) .  Tells you where I am at.

So here is my weekly goal…I need to have three deals completed by weeks end (super tough in my industry but I am going to give it my best).  I pulled one together yesterday.   I also need to land some sort of part time work just for a health insurance package.  And I need to work out and stay sober.   I need to get out from this.

So I am coming right out and saying it;  my entry today is looking for major encouragement and suggestions and a few prayers if you have them

WordPress Therapy Tuesday

Im coming clean.   In my efforts to get my shit together I need to face what I am dealing with which is not pretty.  Outside of the fact that I binge drink and am completely ashamed of myself and sick of self loathing, which this may seem like another post like that.  I have come to the conclusion that at a minimum I have to be honest with myself.  I have been living my life on fear, wishes and dreams.  Although a hard worker and potentially the most loyal person you will meet, these qualities have not been getting me from a to b.  My journey is long and sound completely pathetic compared to what a lot of people have going on but it is my reality and my hell.  Where to begin I don’t know.  Do I go back to my childhood?  That only seems to tell me why I have lived my life the way I have but defiantly is not going to remedy it so wondering why I would go there.  I lived it and am sure it has paid a role in my adult life. Daughter of a  bar owner (yep sitting on a stool at 8) we were always living high or low, Catholic beyond belief complete with the hipocracy, secrets and continually living in fear of shame.  Never showing the low.   Over the past few years things for me have been a struggle.  A big struggle.  I am married to a really great guy, so great in fact the I shield him from everything bad.  I don’t ever like to see him unhappy or remotly struggle.  He works his ass off and is very talented, but it has never paid the bills fully.  So in efforts to keep him up I took care of everything.  We started our life humbly…both working had babies, worked hard and played hard too.  My job as the kids got older flourished so I flourished everyone, I took care of it all no worries for anyone.  I felt proud I could do it all.  Cutting to the chase times are rough and tough the flourishing stopped and I have pretended that it has not.  I have put my family which they do not even know in a very bad financial situation.  We live a modest life and I can’t maintain it.  I keep working but the deals are not coming.  I am a wreck inside.  I do not know what to do I am scared to death.  My pride is so thick I can’t begin to see thru it.  I know I have to do something like the truth.  I don’t think I can but I am getting past the point of repairing this like I have thought all along I could do.   I am by no means comparing myself to anyone.  I know there are worse off then me.  I guess this is the beginning of some sort of something.   I hate myself, that is why I drink  now (I pretend it for fun but it is the bandaid) that is the place where it all goes away for the time being.   I used think I drank for fun for social, I was the fun girl kept it in check although now looking back I was never in check slamming shots keeping the party going was probably always the way of avoiding my reality (AA 101) So I am guessing I need to keep re evaluating I don’t know if I can keep doing that I guess someone would tell me that you don’t get out unscathed. I am sure my pain runs deep like everyones.   I am spending too much time on it lately.  I hate wasted time…haha no pun intended.  I need to work.  Why do I even write here must be therapy.  I dont know if I want someone to see it or if I don’t.  I have not drank since Thursday but honestly really wanting to blow it today.  I have to fix this.  I am scared.