HABITS

I have discovered will power. Well maybe not.   I knew it was around but gosh just the words ‘WILL POWER” are intimidating.  I figured out that all the years and talk of will power is bs.  Of coarse strength is needed to change but really it is habits.  Every thing we do consistently good or bad is a habit.  Tying your shoes is  a habit.   To change a habit and you can is a lovely thing.  I have also discovered the power of my habits. Which was an interesting discovery which lead me to very slowly change my ways.  As we all know I am the person who had a two year pity party, complete with blame, booze and self pity.  I read my posts and it makes me sad, pathetic too especially the Dorthy one and I remember that day, I was in a dark place that day.   Those feelings were very real to me.  I was miserable.  I was crying out on WordPress!!  LOL!!  I was tired of all of it,  I was sick of myself.   I am not sure what did it for me to switch up but I think it was a book about habits that I stumbled upon.  It explained how habits are formed and can be changed by simply changing a few things.  So I actually started the process of changing my habits by setting my sights on not smoking.The book said to change one thing in your routine and also to have a reward.  I changed my get out of bed routine.  I normally went right for the coffee and Marlboros.  I needed a reward to change so I bought a really nice bar of hand soap that smells really good.  So first thing in the morning I wash my face, brush my teeth and wash my hands with this lovely scent.  I love it. If I am home every time I want to smoke and don’t I go wash my hands.    I have learned when you change things you must reward yourself in some manner to keep the good habit going.  My no smoking lead to no drinking.  I was so sick of the drinking and the habit was strong, I was on auto pilot.  It was my physical habit that kept it going; the way I moved thru my day, what triggers I put out there.  It was not for me like I felt a strong Need to drink, I just didn’t know what to do without it mentally, socially etc.  It was a very very bad habit.  I am not focusing on not drinking it seems to be working itself out on its own. I have not drank in over a month.   I stay busy, wash my hands alot and wake up feeling good.  I  pay attention to my senses,  it is amazing when you really think about it, seeing, smelling, hearing, touching etc.  Everything I do thru the day I try to really pay attention to my senses.  It is weird but it slows me way way down and puts my total focus off the bad things.   Its strange but it for some reason I discovered these small things and life is going well.  There will always be a list of things to work on but for now I am just content.

For the few of you who commented and were there for me during my dark days thank you, thank you, thank you!!!  You will never know that I needed that interaction.  One day at a time.  Peace and Rock on!

Click Your Heels Three Times…

“A place where there isn’t any trouble. Do you suppose there is such a place, Toto? There must be. It’s not a place you can get to by a boat or a train. It’s far, far away. Behind the moon, beyond the rain.” Judy Garland/Dorthy

I don’t get it.  Really I don’t.  What is the message? In six hours I went from seeing the light to it all falling apart.  Four big deals fell apart.  Just like that boom.  I cant even feel sorry for myself.  I am numb.   I want to crawl in a cave.  I cannot see the message being sent to me.  Where is Glenda the good witch to tell me the secret like she told Dorthy?  Why am I stuck in Munchkin Land?  Why does my yellow brick road keep getting shut down for construction?  I don’t know but laying down in the poppy field is looking attractive…

New Season…

It has been awhile. FINALLY I think things MAYBE looking up. praise GOD any God you wish. There is this peak of light that I can see. Summer came and went and I am happy to post that I was able to get thru most of it with out having a major day of SHAME. Or maybe the few days I should have felt that way I just ignored it and moved forward. Long trying summer worked my ass off and hoping to reap the rewards. I did not concentrate on NOT drinking and by doing that I think I drank less. Actually I did not focus on anything but work. I only weeded my garden three times, have not worked out since June when the yoga studio closed (I did run into my yoga instructor…guess where…THE BEER GARDENS at the state fair HAHAHA) OMMM. I worked and worked and worked and happy to report I may reap the benifits this fall. I feel I am stuck until I get the finances in order than I can move on to a little enjoyment.

I also learned lol that a few people think they know my drinking patterns. Which I never thought anyone would be keeping up on that. I went to a wedding one night, the next day I was at a family function and two people said to me: “wow you look pretty good for being at a wedding last night, we thought for sure you would be hung over” like really I thought… F U… and many other thoughts and insults came flowing into my brain. So yeah obviously it bothered me that people would say that…ha the truth hurts. I was proud that they said I looked good BECAUSE I WAS HUNGOVER. Anyway always some defect to work on. Never ending work to become an acceptable human being.

The holiday is over

One more holiday done.  I spent the long weekend with the phone off in hopes of turning it on and receiving some good information on the financial scene.  I shut it off with a few potential sales in the hopper with only grim news on Tuesday.  I did however take the time away from work to try and do what you should be doing on days off.  I weeded my garden, saw my inlaws, went to the river, took a walk, enjoyed my husband and tried to smile the whole time.  It was nice.  I find myself envious of those who can work and then shut work off and do normal things.  I can never shut off work its like I am addicted to its dismal existence.

I did indulge in mojitos figuring I should use the mint from my garden (tried to post a photo but IT IS NOT WORKING!   Yes I over indulged.  Of coarse life was great for about three hours.  Hit the sack and found the tears streaming down my face as my husband slept soundly. I can cry silently like the girl at her first overnight camp shaking and crying but does it in way that her bunkmate will never know.  I know not to drink when there is so much on my mind IT IS NEVER a good idea.  Two days later and still trying to shake off the gloom.  Tatoo girl is home on school break, she is eyeing me she knows something is going on with me.

Go to yoga and guess what….THEY CLOSED over the weekend.  CLOSED LIKE NEVER OPENING AGAIN.  I am so bummed for them I knew they were struggling.  And I am bummed for ME…it was saving my ass…really not kidding, it has kept the slur factor away or at least infrequent.

Six job applications completed today and one new home I listed today, a full day and I am still staring at the computer searching jobs, marketing and all my contacts…I wish I could see what I am doing wrong…

I GAVE MONEY TO A PANHANDLER is this SELFISH OR NOT

Summer is finally in full swing. I am SO glad June is almost over. Married off my oldest son and the stress of that just about sent me over the edge…they were insistant on the big wedding at their expense but entailed out of town guests and family which required much interaction on my part. It was nice and now over with the married couple saying they should have just eloped. Hindsight 20/20.
I managed to keep my drinking to a minimum which on a few nights was very hard. I have been keeping things under control and am not waking up thinking if I will drink in the evening. I just stopped making it my focus point. Life is so dismal and I am slowly realizing I was blaming it all on the cocktails which gave me an excuse to continue on my self loathing path. So a new chapter begins without boozing(as in wasted) as the focus but I am at a loss on what to do financially. Working my ass off like many self employed for no cash is getting hard. Constantly applying for jobs with the constant rejection of over qualified or under qualified. I need to make money plain and simple. I am a super hard worker and so dedicated it is scary. I am at a point where something has to give good or bad it has to give.
I have been thankful for all the good in my life…health, family etc but it does not pay the bills. Looking for ideas. I know I am not alone in this arena. I was driving the other day and one of those guys with the cardboard sign was on my exit ramp “Need Work” I have never given any of them money but on that day I had my last $10 and I gave it to him, not sure why but I was hoping it was for the right reason and not because I needed something good to happen to me. Than I thought shit I should panhandle…crazy thoughts come in to your mind under stress. If I shared them all you would think I should be locked up. I want to believe this will all work out. Sad state of affairs for most with secrets, financial worries, health issues etc. Well at least I am not boozing it all away for the time being…so pray to your God for me that some light comes my way.

Sorry Bethenny

Having a hard day today. I woke up very frustrated. I am sure I know why. I spent some time yesterday with a friend who I don’t see very often. She is a totally sober (never been a drinker) friend and she really knows very little about who I really am, she is that friend that you keep in touch with but you do not tell her very much about yourself because she could never understand it. She is a good mom has over achieving children, a husband who makes a good living and a mother who takes very very good care of her financially. Once the mother is gone my friend will be very well off. On the outside she looks like her life is complete Bliss. She does have struggles, she doesn’t think her husband likes her, her kids are turning into typical snotty teenagers and she says she has to toe the line with her mother to keep the financial piece secured for her future. I am listening to her thinking shit I don’t know if I can pay my car payment next month and you are worried that you may not have millions in the future and you currently have at least half of that, you may not see Italy this year and wow that is life altering because your kids are used to that kind of travel.  It was a little tough to listen to. But I thought my husband loves me and actually likes me too. My kids are doing ok. I guess it is all relative. So I was bored last night and tuned into reruns on Bravo TV and watched Bethenny Ever After. I gotta tell you I was irked by this show. I wrote a really nasty post about it/her this morning. Not my typical demeanor. After I posted it I felt  bad that I butchered Bethenny and I thought wow…what is my problem right now. What good is going to come from me verbally beating up on a reality tv chick. I deleted the post.  From what I can tell (not a wordpress guru) only eleven people saw it ( btw good traffic for me wait I had 24 the other day and I was happy!) Any way it is hump day and I can tell. Very edgy today. I just read a post that said it is fun to drink when you are happy and not fun when you are sad, frustrated etc. So I like that thought and seeing I am crabby today I guess I don’t have to worry about drinking tonight.

Can I just say NO????

Whew!! Made it thru the weekend! Two killer yogas classes done. Went to my cocktail party. This was a perfect storm for me. Nice weather, Saturday, women only, good booze served and good food. I decided to bring tattoo girl with me as I knew she would not want to stay long and is not of drinking age. I observed how others drank. Interesting and telling that I for sure know I have a slight problem. Most of these people can just have one or two. For me that is basically impossible as I am an all or none kind of person. Why have two??? Whats the point in that? That is my problem. I took my drink that was served to me, held it, went to the bathroom and dumped it out. No one noticed. Two friends asked if I wanted to drop tatoo girl off and go to the bar or go to my garage. I said sure because I am a coward that way. I said I will call you when I drop her…wtf??? I tell tatoo girl in the car I don’t want to hang out with these people, so I call them and bail, telling them all is quiet at the garage and tatoo girl needs the car…lies, lies, lies. But it got me thru. I had a few temptations over the weekend starting with Friday as I went to purchase a gift for Saturday and walked in to the boutique and holy shit they are having their anniversary party complete with Vodka drinks greeting me at the door…shit shit shit what the heck is this legal? Dont they have to have a liquor license? I took the little cup to be polite and set it down on a table. Why I just didn’t say no thanks is beyond me. Got the heck out of there as I saw a friend browsing around and did not want talk to her and have my fun mood kick in. Went home and my better half is having a beer…ugggggg. We live in a place where the weather sucks…cold, snow etc. It is very customary to have heated garages complete with TV’s, refrigerators, smoke ventilation ( a personal bar really) etc. I am married to a contractor so my garage is stellar the first man cave if you will. Complete with bar and stools nice lighting, etc. People love coming here. Smoking is allowed in here as no one smokes in their homes but everyone seems to be a closet smoker. So he is there having happy hour. I immediately went in to the house and randomly starting cooking to distract myself. Thankful for the building separation. He comes in asks if I am coming out…now he knows I am coming off my hangover. He says: you don’t have to join me if you don’t want too. That is the perfect ploy from him. I said I will come out and sit with you. I did. I didn’t drink. He tells me I am too hard on myself. I just know this was a fun life in its time. I need to be done with the booze as my primary source of entertainment, stress relief, time killer etc. Hoping for a good week…

Enough

Enough.  Thats enough.  Now wait a minute.   First I am not hungover.  I have not had a drink in over two weeks.  I stopped counting because it made me a little stir crazy.  I have taken the time to read my blog from start to finish and it makes me sick.  What I have written has been written a million times by the addicted.  The self loathing, pity, humorous banter.  When every word that was written never addressed the truth of the alcohol.  IT WILL KILL YOU and or IT CAN BRING A NEAR DEATH experience.  We all know it hurts your loved ones, job, character etc.  somehow the hurt it can cause is so forefront we all forget that YOU CAN DIE.  For the boozer the hurt factor is great because hell it avoids THE DEATH issue.  As long as I get bitched at for hurting everyone the focus becomes that not that my liver is rotting, my brain cells deteriorating, my decision making out the window and I could be left for dead.  It is truly a sick deal and one that is widely accepted like Visa.  I have no real point here other than by an unfortunate circumstance from AL K HALL  I have seen the light.

Middle…I like it

I made it through January without a slur.  HUGE DEAL for me.  Not to say I did not indulge but I did not slur which means I did not get hammered to the point of regret.  I was on a pretty good sober roll for a while then had a double whammy back to back extended happy hours two days in a row.  BUT I DID NOT SLUR.  I moved into the following days without my typical Catholic shame guilt trip.  Gosh that was nice.  Not to say I wasn’t tired and hung but not carrying that backpack of shit really helped.  With my new-found low key attitude I am craving less and less of my happy hours.   Just rolling with it and it seems to be working. 

We all fall down and most get up…sorta like tattoo girl plastered on her body (she still does not know I know, amazing I have kept that to myself).  What is interesting when you are down is how easy it is to get back up and fuck up.   The hard part is to get all the way up.  I believe most of us get half way up very quickly but it is the full stance that is hard to accomplish  at least for me.   I dont think I want to stand all the way.  I am comfortable half up half down, you know in the middle.  I like the middle.   Some will argue that it is not right in our culture to not want to be the best you can be all the time.  I have decided to be the best I can be for that moment,  today may be stellar, tomorrow ummm… maybe the bar not set to high.  I do know that I DON’T WANT TO BE DOWN so knowing that and believing it finally maybe I can stay in the middle.  I can’t live just one way all the time it is impossible.   I know I can’t live by expectations from my self or others I just can’t.  My experience with expectations is that disappointment always follows.   Feeling alright about things for the moment.

Jackpot

Day seven…No drinks in seven days.  It is nice that it is happening on it own kind of.  I am not thinking about it too much so it just seems to naturally be happening.  Casino brain.  You know when you are at a casino and you are playing the slots and when you just daze out and not think about  the money or the math of it all and your mind gets just zoned…and all of a sudden you win.  That is what I am feeling like…so now just waiting for the jackpot to drop.