One more holiday done. I spent the long weekend with the phone off in hopes of turning it on and receiving some good information on the financial scene. I shut it off with a few potential sales in the hopper with only grim news on Tuesday. I did however take the time away from work to try and do what you should be doing on days off. I weeded my garden, saw my inlaws, went to the river, took a walk, enjoyed my husband and tried to smile the whole time. It was nice. I find myself envious of those who can work and then shut work off and do normal things. I can never shut off work its like I am addicted to its dismal existence.
I did indulge in mojitos figuring I should use the mint from my garden (tried to post a photo but IT IS NOT WORKING! Yes I over indulged. Of coarse life was great for about three hours. Hit the sack and found the tears streaming down my face as my husband slept soundly. I can cry silently like the girl at her first overnight camp shaking and crying but does it in way that her bunkmate will never know. I know not to drink when there is so much on my mind IT IS NEVER a good idea. Two days later and still trying to shake off the gloom. Tatoo girl is home on school break, she is eyeing me she knows something is going on with me.
Go to yoga and guess what….THEY CLOSED over the weekend. CLOSED LIKE NEVER OPENING AGAIN. I am so bummed for them I knew they were struggling. And I am bummed for ME…it was saving my ass…really not kidding, it has kept the slur factor away or at least infrequent.
Six job applications completed today and one new home I listed today, a full day and I am still staring at the computer searching jobs, marketing and all my contacts…I wish I could see what I am doing wrong…
Posted in alcohol, bikram, binge, blunt, daughters, drink, drunk, drunk, hammered, hatha yoga, Hot Yoga, hung, LIFE HANGOVER, Life Hangover, marlboro, real estate, shame, tatoo, teenager, Wells Fargo, WIFE, women financial
Summer is finally in full swing. I am SO glad June is almost over. Married off my oldest son and the stress of that just about sent me over the edge…they were insistant on the big wedding at their expense but entailed out of town guests and family which required much interaction on my part. It was nice and now over with the married couple saying they should have just eloped. Hindsight 20/20.
I managed to keep my drinking to a minimum which on a few nights was very hard. I have been keeping things under control and am not waking up thinking if I will drink in the evening. I just stopped making it my focus point. Life is so dismal and I am slowly realizing I was blaming it all on the cocktails which gave me an excuse to continue on my self loathing path. So a new chapter begins without boozing(as in wasted) as the focus but I am at a loss on what to do financially. Working my ass off like many self employed for no cash is getting hard. Constantly applying for jobs with the constant rejection of over qualified or under qualified. I need to make money plain and simple. I am a super hard worker and so dedicated it is scary. I am at a point where something has to give good or bad it has to give.
I have been thankful for all the good in my life…health, family etc but it does not pay the bills. Looking for ideas. I know I am not alone in this arena. I was driving the other day and one of those guys with the cardboard sign was on my exit ramp “Need Work” I have never given any of them money but on that day I had my last $10 and I gave it to him, not sure why but I was hoping it was for the right reason and not because I needed something good to happen to me. Than I thought shit I should panhandle…crazy thoughts come in to your mind under stress. If I shared them all you would think I should be locked up. I want to believe this will all work out. Sad state of affairs for most with secrets, financial worries, health issues etc. Well at least I am not boozing it all away for the time being…so pray to your God for me that some light comes my way.
Posted in 1, alchol, alcohol, bikram, binge, blunt, Bravo, broke, daughters, drink, drunk, drunk, hammered, hangover, hatha yoga, Hot Yoga, hung, hung over, LIFE HANGOVER, Life Hangover, marlboro, real estate, shame, tatoo, teenager, Wells Fargo, WIFE
Tagged aa, alcohol, beer, binge drinking, booze, drinking, drunk, financial, hangover, happiness, help, hungover, life, SECRETS, selling, WIVES, work
Whew!! Made it thru the weekend! Two killer yogas classes done. Went to my cocktail party. This was a perfect storm for me. Nice weather, Saturday, women only, good booze served and good food. I decided to bring tattoo girl with me as I knew she would not want to stay long and is not of drinking age. I observed how others drank. Interesting and telling that I for sure know I have a slight problem. Most of these people can just have one or two. For me that is basically impossible as I am an all or none kind of person. Why have two??? Whats the point in that? That is my problem. I took my drink that was served to me, held it, went to the bathroom and dumped it out. No one noticed. Two friends asked if I wanted to drop tatoo girl off and go to the bar or go to my garage. I said sure because I am a coward that way. I said I will call you when I drop her…wtf??? I tell tatoo girl in the car I don’t want to hang out with these people, so I call them and bail, telling them all is quiet at the garage and tatoo girl needs the car…lies, lies, lies. But it got me thru. I had a few temptations over the weekend starting with Friday as I went to purchase a gift for Saturday and walked in to the boutique and holy shit they are having their anniversary party complete with Vodka drinks greeting me at the door…shit shit shit what the heck is this legal? Dont they have to have a liquor license? I took the little cup to be polite and set it down on a table. Why I just didn’t say no thanks is beyond me. Got the heck out of there as I saw a friend browsing around and did not want talk to her and have my fun mood kick in. Went home and my better half is having a beer…ugggggg. We live in a place where the weather sucks…cold, snow etc. It is very customary to have heated garages complete with TV’s, refrigerators, smoke ventilation ( a personal bar really) etc. I am married to a contractor so my garage is stellar the first man cave if you will. Complete with bar and stools nice lighting, etc. People love coming here. Smoking is allowed in here as no one smokes in their homes but everyone seems to be a closet smoker. So he is there having happy hour. I immediately went in to the house and randomly starting cooking to distract myself. Thankful for the building separation. He comes in asks if I am coming out…now he knows I am coming off my hangover. He says: you don’t have to join me if you don’t want too. That is the perfect ploy from him. I said I will come out and sit with you. I did. I didn’t drink. He tells me I am too hard on myself. I just know this was a fun life in its time. I need to be done with the booze as my primary source of entertainment, stress relief, time killer etc. Hoping for a good week…
Posted in 1, alcohol, bikram, binge, blunt, drink, drunk, hammered, hangover, hatha yoga, Hot Yoga, hung, hung over, LIFE HANGOVER, marlboro, tatoo
Tagged aa, alcohol, beer, bikram, binge, binge drinking, booze, cocktails, decite, encouragement, hangover, happy hour, hung over, hungover, not drinking, shame, sober
Enough. Thats enough. Now wait a minute. First I am not hungover. I have not had a drink in over two weeks. I stopped counting because it made me a little stir crazy. I have taken the time to read my blog from start to finish and it makes me sick. What I have written has been written a million times by the addicted. The self loathing, pity, humorous banter. When every word that was written never addressed the truth of the alcohol. IT WILL KILL YOU and or IT CAN BRING A NEAR DEATH experience. We all know it hurts your loved ones, job, character etc. somehow the hurt it can cause is so forefront we all forget that YOU CAN DIE. For the boozer the hurt factor is great because hell it avoids THE DEATH issue. As long as I get bitched at for hurting everyone the focus becomes that not that my liver is rotting, my brain cells deteriorating, my decision making out the window and I could be left for dead. It is truly a sick deal and one that is widely accepted like Visa. I have no real point here other than by an unfortunate circumstance from AL K HALL I have seen the light.
Posted in 1, alchol, alcohol, binge, blunt, daughters, drink, drunk, drunk, hammered, hangover, Hot Yoga, hung, hung over, LIFE HANGOVER, Life Hangover, marlboro, shame, tatoo, teenager
Tagged cocktails, death, happy hour