Best and Worse

Best thing about not being hung over…
1) not dehydrated
2) clear eyes
3) not a bitch
4) motivated

Worst thing
1)reality
2)trying not to drink in celebration of not drinking

I GAVE MONEY TO A PANHANDLER is this SELFISH OR NOT

Summer is finally in full swing. I am SO glad June is almost over. Married off my oldest son and the stress of that just about sent me over the edge…they were insistant on the big wedding at their expense but entailed out of town guests and family which required much interaction on my part. It was nice and now over with the married couple saying they should have just eloped. Hindsight 20/20.
I managed to keep my drinking to a minimum which on a few nights was very hard. I have been keeping things under control and am not waking up thinking if I will drink in the evening. I just stopped making it my focus point. Life is so dismal and I am slowly realizing I was blaming it all on the cocktails which gave me an excuse to continue on my self loathing path. So a new chapter begins without boozing(as in wasted) as the focus but I am at a loss on what to do financially. Working my ass off like many self employed for no cash is getting hard. Constantly applying for jobs with the constant rejection of over qualified or under qualified. I need to make money plain and simple. I am a super hard worker and so dedicated it is scary. I am at a point where something has to give good or bad it has to give.
I have been thankful for all the good in my life…health, family etc but it does not pay the bills. Looking for ideas. I know I am not alone in this arena. I was driving the other day and one of those guys with the cardboard sign was on my exit ramp “Need Work” I have never given any of them money but on that day I had my last $10 and I gave it to him, not sure why but I was hoping it was for the right reason and not because I needed something good to happen to me. Than I thought shit I should panhandle…crazy thoughts come in to your mind under stress. If I shared them all you would think I should be locked up. I want to believe this will all work out. Sad state of affairs for most with secrets, financial worries, health issues etc. Well at least I am not boozing it all away for the time being…so pray to your God for me that some light comes my way.

Good Friday…Freebie

Well it Good Friday. As far back as I can remember it is always a gloomy day,  I was taught to believe that Good Friday is the Friday within the Holy Week  and is a time of fasting and penance, the anniversary of Christ’s crucifixion and death. I never understood why the word ‘good’ is used.  Seems to me it should be ‘bad’ Friday.  I so remember fasting and going to confession to clear my soul.  I would lie in the confessional as a young child because I didn’t have any sins to tell.  Isn’t that funny the church  brainwashed me into thinking I HAD to be bad, I must have sins.  Good Lord I even had a script they made us memorize…Bless me Father for I have sinned… Those Catholics always trying to cleanse us. No wonder I’m f***** up with my guilt.

But for today it IS A GOOD FRIDAY!! I have been very good to myself.  No indulging (well one happy hour which I kept to a dull roar).  Feeling better .  It is nice to not have self imposed punishment.

So for all the sinners be kind to yourself today, history tells us someone else paid for your sins today.

Business and Friends DO NOT MIX

I am done being nice to people. God people forget what you do for them. I have a friend who was down on her luck a few years ago, her husband got himself in loads of trouble and is currently sporting stripped outfits everyday and his windows have bars on them. They lost their home and she has a daughter. My heart went out to her and I offered a rental home I own for her to rent. The deal was she was to pay 700 a month (which by the way does not even cover the mortgage) for a year. If after a year she chose to stay the rent would go to 900 or she was free to move. The year passed and she was still not up to speed financially so I being the f****** nice person let her stay. Now I just told her that the rent is going up and I was sorry to do it but I can not sustain the property anymore at that price. She is livid, like she has totally forgotten all the shit I have did for her. I hate it when people act like there shit is my shit.  I don’t dump my stuff on anyone EVER, hence why I write here and why my friends really don’t know shit about me.  Fuck I am down on my luck to. I was nice to you, I let you have your fucking cats which I hate. She is living in a nice single family three bedroom home with a yard and nice garage and she is not even thankful anymore. So funny how people forget generosity. So I am booting her out…one more friend out the door. I am not going to feel guilty over this, I am not going to let her make me feel bad. This is a total drinking situation for me as I could drink and talk about this for hours. Yoga at 5 cannot come soon enough. Need that distraction today. Good thing I didnt drink last night I would be a raving nutcase today. I am done done done being generous to people it burns me every time.

Jackpot

Day seven…No drinks in seven days.  It is nice that it is happening on it own kind of.  I am not thinking about it too much so it just seems to naturally be happening.  Casino brain.  You know when you are at a casino and you are playing the slots and when you just daze out and not think about  the money or the math of it all and your mind gets just zoned…and all of a sudden you win.  That is what I am feeling like…so now just waiting for the jackpot to drop.

Booze or Blunt

 21 Yeas Old is the year of passage.  The year you can finally belly up to the bar.  The year you love getting carded.  The year you walk proudly in to the liquor store.  You now are an official adult because you can legally get drunk. 

My middle son just turned 21.  I will tell you I was awaiting for his birthday…going out with the family, having drinks at a bar.  I love the bar.  I don’t go very often anymore but when I do I get this calming excitement.   So we are at the bar and he is getting the 21 year old birthday treatment, free cheap rail drink, tee-shirt and pressure to consume more booze.  He ditched the cheap drink, passed on the shot and gave the tee to his sister.  He sat calmly drinking a Rolling Rock.   He looks up and says…”this is nice but to tell you the truth I would rather be at my apartment smoking a blunt than drinking at a bar” …WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW.  I wasn’t sure if I should laugh, yell, cry or be grateful…

Slipping in to Monday

I just re read my completely tantrum laiden post I wrote on Saturday.  Hung over I was and the shame followed AS USUAL.  I still am not sure why I write here.  I am sure there are several people that could decifer why I do.  Now a beautiful Monday.  Sober for day two.  I just received a call from a past client thanking me for helping her get her deal done a few monthes ago.  It is always so nice to hear that restores my faith.  Hoping to have a good week.  Going to try and not indulge and see what happens. It is a very slippery slope for me. I was proud yesterday, one of my sons returned from Afganistan and I did not drink for the celebration.  I will be honest what kept me sober was I knew I had to drive someone home later that evening.  Regardless I stayed sober.    I still hate Wells Fargo.

Another sober Weekend

I did it.  I had the come to Jesus talk with myself and faced my nightmare.  I unloaded all my finacialswoes with my other half.  I am feeling a little rejuvenated.  Funny how stuffing everything away and trying to handle it yourself and little secrets  will weigh on you. Funny how the booze band aid does actually work temporarily.  I know why people do it.  I know why people stay in that state.  It is simply easier.   Last night for the first time in a long time I did not want to drink.  The thought of being buzzed and talking about my situation made me sick.  I can’t and won’t drink all weekend.  I did put them back on Thursday and loved every second of it.  I always say to myself after three  bumps I love this and I do.  I am going to try and continue to stay away from my demons and hopefully good things come.

Blogroll is that Legal?

First I need the instructions on ‘blogroll’.    Ha, in my world that could be something illegal, or it sounds like code my kids talk in.  My oldest is a highway patrol man and he brought his brother  on a ride along one nite..and they were talking about the night and  someone who was marinating…when I asked what that meant they laughed and told me this guy cashed (drank the whole bottle) a bottle of vodka and was then marinating…Sounds classy…Wow…what happened to just wasted? Anyway that guy marinated for awhile in detox…

Happy to report that I have only been buzzed two out of the last ten days.  Not slurring either.  I have not been jonsing for it,  a little tough today but if I can get to six oclock I am over it.  I have been working hard and have two solid deals put together for the end of the month.  Now I just need twenty five more by June. 

I miss hot yoga…

Tuesday and NOT HUNGOVER

Tuesdays are tough.  Probably because I work weekends and Tuesdays for me are like a lot of peoples Friday’ s.  I did not drink last night or tonight (or Sunday for that matter) .  I was testy from 3-5.  Maybe it was due to the fact of trying not to smoke too.  So get this I was at the grocery store today at the self check out and my checkout screen  starts telling me wait for an associate , so my light is blinking and I looking for the associate…my phone rang and noticed it was someone in my pipeline (I normally would have let this go to voice mail but no way in the situation I am in, not letting one thing slip by) and so I answer and this chick customer comes up and starts pushing buttons on my screen and flinging my shopping basket and telling me to get off my phone and pay for my stuff blah blah blah..so I hang up and tell this chick that I am waiting for an associate like the screen says…this chick is going crazy in the store. The manager had to come and move her.   Wow I thought I was crabby.  All I could think of is she may have it worse than me.   So one point for not being hungover today otherwise I would have knocked her out.  ahhahhahahaha

She saw me in the parking lot and probably got some satisfaction because I could not remember where I parked…roaming roaming roaming…