Middle…I like it

I made it through January without a slur.  HUGE DEAL for me.  Not to say I did not indulge but I did not slur which means I did not get hammered to the point of regret.  I was on a pretty good sober roll for a while then had a double whammy back to back extended happy hours two days in a row.  BUT I DID NOT SLUR.  I moved into the following days without my typical Catholic shame guilt trip.  Gosh that was nice.  Not to say I wasn’t tired and hung but not carrying that backpack of shit really helped.  With my new-found low key attitude I am craving less and less of my happy hours.   Just rolling with it and it seems to be working. 

We all fall down and most get up…sorta like tattoo girl plastered on her body (she still does not know I know, amazing I have kept that to myself).  What is interesting when you are down is how easy it is to get back up and fuck up.   The hard part is to get all the way up.  I believe most of us get half way up very quickly but it is the full stance that is hard to accomplish  at least for me.   I dont think I want to stand all the way.  I am comfortable half up half down, you know in the middle.  I like the middle.   Some will argue that it is not right in our culture to not want to be the best you can be all the time.  I have decided to be the best I can be for that moment,  today may be stellar, tomorrow ummm… maybe the bar not set to high.  I do know that I DON’T WANT TO BE DOWN so knowing that and believing it finally maybe I can stay in the middle.  I can’t live just one way all the time it is impossible.   I know I can’t live by expectations from my self or others I just can’t.  My experience with expectations is that disappointment always follows.   Feeling alright about things for the moment.

Jackpot

Day seven…No drinks in seven days.  It is nice that it is happening on it own kind of.  I am not thinking about it too much so it just seems to naturally be happening.  Casino brain.  You know when you are at a casino and you are playing the slots and when you just daze out and not think about  the money or the math of it all and your mind gets just zoned…and all of a sudden you win.  That is what I am feeling like…so now just waiting for the jackpot to drop.

Another sober Weekend

I did it.  I had the come to Jesus talk with myself and faced my nightmare.  I unloaded all my finacialswoes with my other half.  I am feeling a little rejuvenated.  Funny how stuffing everything away and trying to handle it yourself and little secrets  will weigh on you. Funny how the booze band aid does actually work temporarily.  I know why people do it.  I know why people stay in that state.  It is simply easier.   Last night for the first time in a long time I did not want to drink.  The thought of being buzzed and talking about my situation made me sick.  I can’t and won’t drink all weekend.  I did put them back on Thursday and loved every second of it.  I always say to myself after three  bumps I love this and I do.  I am going to try and continue to stay away from my demons and hopefully good things come.

Blogroll is that Legal?

First I need the instructions on ‘blogroll’.    Ha, in my world that could be something illegal, or it sounds like code my kids talk in.  My oldest is a highway patrol man and he brought his brother  on a ride along one nite..and they were talking about the night and  someone who was marinating…when I asked what that meant they laughed and told me this guy cashed (drank the whole bottle) a bottle of vodka and was then marinating…Sounds classy…Wow…what happened to just wasted? Anyway that guy marinated for awhile in detox…

Happy to report that I have only been buzzed two out of the last ten days.  Not slurring either.  I have not been jonsing for it,  a little tough today but if I can get to six oclock I am over it.  I have been working hard and have two solid deals put together for the end of the month.  Now I just need twenty five more by June. 

I miss hot yoga…

Sober Sunday

I have been trying to think the last week on why the heck I went to word press to start a blog.  I have never blogged before but have often looked at others.   I remember exactly how I felt the day I wrote the first entry. I felt like shit.  What I don’t know is what I was really looking for.  Probably some sort of validation, help,friendship or distraction from actually taking steps to correct my behavior that ultimatly makes me feel like shit.  I do know that it does make a person feel good to get that email or comment from your blog.  It is a funny thing really.  No it is a desperate thing if you are not doing this for money. 

I will tell you I would love a fairytale ending like savekaryn she worked that hard, very impressive. 

I avoided a big big party last night and am super proud of myself. Neighbors had a big bash and I am taking comfort that I did not go and I am still seeing people exit there house looking a little slumpish and rumpled.  I think I will be black balled for not attending but in the end that is a good thing.   The past ten days I have only indulged twice.  Pretty good for me. 

I am balancing avoidance…I have been avoiding the things that need to be taken care of, money, drinking, self. and indulging in the most stupid things to continue my avoidance.  Now because of that the options are nil. 

I am feeling desperate this week.  My life has spirled out of control.  It is not funny anymore. 

Had great news this week.  My daughter was accepted into her first choice University.  She is so excited.  I am too for her.  The sad thing is there is so much underlying for me I have to fake the happiness.  I am not sure how I am going to get her there. 

So here I was this morning reading my  favorite blogs one being the barnone (makes me laught) the other being savekaryn from 2002 (totally can relate x 100), hotyogadoctor (makes me feel healthy even though I have been MIA for three weeks) .  Tells you where I am at.

So here is my weekly goal…I need to have three deals completed by weeks end (super tough in my industry but I am going to give it my best).  I pulled one together yesterday.   I also need to land some sort of part time work just for a health insurance package.  And I need to work out and stay sober.   I need to get out from this.

So I am coming right out and saying it;  my entry today is looking for major encouragement and suggestions and a few prayers if you have them