Middle…I like it

I made it through January without a slur.  HUGE DEAL for me.  Not to say I did not indulge but I did not slur which means I did not get hammered to the point of regret.  I was on a pretty good sober roll for a while then had a double whammy back to back extended happy hours two days in a row.  BUT I DID NOT SLUR.  I moved into the following days without my typical Catholic shame guilt trip.  Gosh that was nice.  Not to say I wasn’t tired and hung but not carrying that backpack of shit really helped.  With my new-found low key attitude I am craving less and less of my happy hours.   Just rolling with it and it seems to be working. 

We all fall down and most get up…sorta like tattoo girl plastered on her body (she still does not know I know, amazing I have kept that to myself).  What is interesting when you are down is how easy it is to get back up and fuck up.   The hard part is to get all the way up.  I believe most of us get half way up very quickly but it is the full stance that is hard to accomplish  at least for me.   I dont think I want to stand all the way.  I am comfortable half up half down, you know in the middle.  I like the middle.   Some will argue that it is not right in our culture to not want to be the best you can be all the time.  I have decided to be the best I can be for that moment,  today may be stellar, tomorrow ummm… maybe the bar not set to high.  I do know that I DON’T WANT TO BE DOWN so knowing that and believing it finally maybe I can stay in the middle.  I can’t live just one way all the time it is impossible.   I know I can’t live by expectations from my self or others I just can’t.  My experience with expectations is that disappointment always follows.   Feeling alright about things for the moment.

Jackpot

Day seven…No drinks in seven days.  It is nice that it is happening on it own kind of.  I am not thinking about it too much so it just seems to naturally be happening.  Casino brain.  You know when you are at a casino and you are playing the slots and when you just daze out and not think about  the money or the math of it all and your mind gets just zoned…and all of a sudden you win.  That is what I am feeling like…so now just waiting for the jackpot to drop.

Booze or Blunt

 21 Yeas Old is the year of passage.  The year you can finally belly up to the bar.  The year you love getting carded.  The year you walk proudly in to the liquor store.  You now are an official adult because you can legally get drunk. 

My middle son just turned 21.  I will tell you I was awaiting for his birthday…going out with the family, having drinks at a bar.  I love the bar.  I don’t go very often anymore but when I do I get this calming excitement.   So we are at the bar and he is getting the 21 year old birthday treatment, free cheap rail drink, tee-shirt and pressure to consume more booze.  He ditched the cheap drink, passed on the shot and gave the tee to his sister.  He sat calmly drinking a Rolling Rock.   He looks up and says…”this is nice but to tell you the truth I would rather be at my apartment smoking a blunt than drinking at a bar” …WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW.  I wasn’t sure if I should laugh, yell, cry or be grateful…

Another sober Weekend

I did it.  I had the come to Jesus talk with myself and faced my nightmare.  I unloaded all my finacialswoes with my other half.  I am feeling a little rejuvenated.  Funny how stuffing everything away and trying to handle it yourself and little secrets  will weigh on you. Funny how the booze band aid does actually work temporarily.  I know why people do it.  I know why people stay in that state.  It is simply easier.   Last night for the first time in a long time I did not want to drink.  The thought of being buzzed and talking about my situation made me sick.  I can’t and won’t drink all weekend.  I did put them back on Thursday and loved every second of it.  I always say to myself after three  bumps I love this and I do.  I am going to try and continue to stay away from my demons and hopefully good things come.

WordPress Therapy Tuesday

Im coming clean.   In my efforts to get my shit together I need to face what I am dealing with which is not pretty.  Outside of the fact that I binge drink and am completely ashamed of myself and sick of self loathing, which this may seem like another post like that.  I have come to the conclusion that at a minimum I have to be honest with myself.  I have been living my life on fear, wishes and dreams.  Although a hard worker and potentially the most loyal person you will meet, these qualities have not been getting me from a to b.  My journey is long and sound completely pathetic compared to what a lot of people have going on but it is my reality and my hell.  Where to begin I don’t know.  Do I go back to my childhood?  That only seems to tell me why I have lived my life the way I have but defiantly is not going to remedy it so wondering why I would go there.  I lived it and am sure it has paid a role in my adult life. Daughter of a  bar owner (yep sitting on a stool at 8) we were always living high or low, Catholic beyond belief complete with the hipocracy, secrets and continually living in fear of shame.  Never showing the low.   Over the past few years things for me have been a struggle.  A big struggle.  I am married to a really great guy, so great in fact the I shield him from everything bad.  I don’t ever like to see him unhappy or remotly struggle.  He works his ass off and is very talented, but it has never paid the bills fully.  So in efforts to keep him up I took care of everything.  We started our life humbly…both working had babies, worked hard and played hard too.  My job as the kids got older flourished so I flourished everyone, I took care of it all no worries for anyone.  I felt proud I could do it all.  Cutting to the chase times are rough and tough the flourishing stopped and I have pretended that it has not.  I have put my family which they do not even know in a very bad financial situation.  We live a modest life and I can’t maintain it.  I keep working but the deals are not coming.  I am a wreck inside.  I do not know what to do I am scared to death.  My pride is so thick I can’t begin to see thru it.  I know I have to do something like the truth.  I don’t think I can but I am getting past the point of repairing this like I have thought all along I could do.   I am by no means comparing myself to anyone.  I know there are worse off then me.  I guess this is the beginning of some sort of something.   I hate myself, that is why I drink  now (I pretend it for fun but it is the bandaid) that is the place where it all goes away for the time being.   I used think I drank for fun for social, I was the fun girl kept it in check although now looking back I was never in check slamming shots keeping the party going was probably always the way of avoiding my reality (AA 101) So I am guessing I need to keep re evaluating I don’t know if I can keep doing that I guess someone would tell me that you don’t get out unscathed. I am sure my pain runs deep like everyones.   I am spending too much time on it lately.  I hate wasted time…haha no pun intended.  I need to work.  Why do I even write here must be therapy.  I dont know if I want someone to see it or if I don’t.  I have not drank since Thursday but honestly really wanting to blow it today.  I have to fix this.  I am scared.