Business and Friends DO NOT MIX

I am done being nice to people. God people forget what you do for them. I have a friend who was down on her luck a few years ago, her husband got himself in loads of trouble and is currently sporting stripped outfits everyday and his windows have bars on them. They lost their home and she has a daughter. My heart went out to her and I offered a rental home I own for her to rent. The deal was she was to pay 700 a month (which by the way does not even cover the mortgage) for a year. If after a year she chose to stay the rent would go to 900 or she was free to move. The year passed and she was still not up to speed financially so I being the f****** nice person let her stay. Now I just told her that the rent is going up and I was sorry to do it but I can not sustain the property anymore at that price. She is livid, like she has totally forgotten all the shit I have did for her. I hate it when people act like there shit is my shit.  I don’t dump my stuff on anyone EVER, hence why I write here and why my friends really don’t know shit about me.  Fuck I am down on my luck to. I was nice to you, I let you have your fucking cats which I hate. She is living in a nice single family three bedroom home with a yard and nice garage and she is not even thankful anymore. So funny how people forget generosity. So I am booting her out…one more friend out the door. I am not going to feel guilty over this, I am not going to let her make me feel bad. This is a total drinking situation for me as I could drink and talk about this for hours. Yoga at 5 cannot come soon enough. Need that distraction today. Good thing I didnt drink last night I would be a raving nutcase today. I am done done done being generous to people it burns me every time.

Sorry Bethenny

Having a hard day today. I woke up very frustrated. I am sure I know why. I spent some time yesterday with a friend who I don’t see very often. She is a totally sober (never been a drinker) friend and she really knows very little about who I really am, she is that friend that you keep in touch with but you do not tell her very much about yourself because she could never understand it. She is a good mom has over achieving children, a husband who makes a good living and a mother who takes very very good care of her financially. Once the mother is gone my friend will be very well off. On the outside she looks like her life is complete Bliss. She does have struggles, she doesn’t think her husband likes her, her kids are turning into typical snotty teenagers and she says she has to toe the line with her mother to keep the financial piece secured for her future. I am listening to her thinking shit I don’t know if I can pay my car payment next month and you are worried that you may not have millions in the future and you currently have at least half of that, you may not see Italy this year and wow that is life altering because your kids are used to that kind of travel.  It was a little tough to listen to. But I thought my husband loves me and actually likes me too. My kids are doing ok. I guess it is all relative. So I was bored last night and tuned into reruns on Bravo TV and watched Bethenny Ever After. I gotta tell you I was irked by this show. I wrote a really nasty post about it/her this morning. Not my typical demeanor. After I posted it I felt  bad that I butchered Bethenny and I thought wow…what is my problem right now. What good is going to come from me verbally beating up on a reality tv chick. I deleted the post.  From what I can tell (not a wordpress guru) only eleven people saw it ( btw good traffic for me wait I had 24 the other day and I was happy!) Any way it is hump day and I can tell. Very edgy today. I just read a post that said it is fun to drink when you are happy and not fun when you are sad, frustrated etc. So I like that thought and seeing I am crabby today I guess I don’t have to worry about drinking tonight.

The day after the hangover

Well the hangover is over with the exception of the small pieces of shame still milling about.  The fast food wrappers hidden in the trash as not to remind me of what I put in my body.  The day after the hangover is the worst really, you are caught between two worlds on this day.  Thinking I am never drinking again and thinking about the plans on Saturday that will involve cocktails.  The cocktails do not sound good right now but I am seasoned enough to know the feelings of sobriety dissipate as time goes on.   I am going to write it as some say if you write or say it you will it so here goes:  I WILL NOT GET BUZZED or DRUNK on Saturday.

Middle…I like it

I made it through January without a slur.  HUGE DEAL for me.  Not to say I did not indulge but I did not slur which means I did not get hammered to the point of regret.  I was on a pretty good sober roll for a while then had a double whammy back to back extended happy hours two days in a row.  BUT I DID NOT SLUR.  I moved into the following days without my typical Catholic shame guilt trip.  Gosh that was nice.  Not to say I wasn’t tired and hung but not carrying that backpack of shit really helped.  With my new-found low key attitude I am craving less and less of my happy hours.   Just rolling with it and it seems to be working. 

We all fall down and most get up…sorta like tattoo girl plastered on her body (she still does not know I know, amazing I have kept that to myself).  What is interesting when you are down is how easy it is to get back up and fuck up.   The hard part is to get all the way up.  I believe most of us get half way up very quickly but it is the full stance that is hard to accomplish  at least for me.   I dont think I want to stand all the way.  I am comfortable half up half down, you know in the middle.  I like the middle.   Some will argue that it is not right in our culture to not want to be the best you can be all the time.  I have decided to be the best I can be for that moment,  today may be stellar, tomorrow ummm… maybe the bar not set to high.  I do know that I DON’T WANT TO BE DOWN so knowing that and believing it finally maybe I can stay in the middle.  I can’t live just one way all the time it is impossible.   I know I can’t live by expectations from my self or others I just can’t.  My experience with expectations is that disappointment always follows.   Feeling alright about things for the moment.

Jackpot

Day seven…No drinks in seven days.  It is nice that it is happening on it own kind of.  I am not thinking about it too much so it just seems to naturally be happening.  Casino brain.  You know when you are at a casino and you are playing the slots and when you just daze out and not think about  the money or the math of it all and your mind gets just zoned…and all of a sudden you win.  That is what I am feeling like…so now just waiting for the jackpot to drop.

Slipping in to Monday

I just re read my completely tantrum laiden post I wrote on Saturday.  Hung over I was and the shame followed AS USUAL.  I still am not sure why I write here.  I am sure there are several people that could decifer why I do.  Now a beautiful Monday.  Sober for day two.  I just received a call from a past client thanking me for helping her get her deal done a few monthes ago.  It is always so nice to hear that restores my faith.  Hoping to have a good week.  Going to try and not indulge and see what happens. It is a very slippery slope for me. I was proud yesterday, one of my sons returned from Afganistan and I did not drink for the celebration.  I will be honest what kept me sober was I knew I had to drive someone home later that evening.  Regardless I stayed sober.    I still hate Wells Fargo.

Another sober Weekend

I did it.  I had the come to Jesus talk with myself and faced my nightmare.  I unloaded all my finacialswoes with my other half.  I am feeling a little rejuvenated.  Funny how stuffing everything away and trying to handle it yourself and little secrets  will weigh on you. Funny how the booze band aid does actually work temporarily.  I know why people do it.  I know why people stay in that state.  It is simply easier.   Last night for the first time in a long time I did not want to drink.  The thought of being buzzed and talking about my situation made me sick.  I can’t and won’t drink all weekend.  I did put them back on Thursday and loved every second of it.  I always say to myself after three  bumps I love this and I do.  I am going to try and continue to stay away from my demons and hopefully good things come.

Blogroll is that Legal?

First I need the instructions on ‘blogroll’.    Ha, in my world that could be something illegal, or it sounds like code my kids talk in.  My oldest is a highway patrol man and he brought his brother  on a ride along one nite..and they were talking about the night and  someone who was marinating…when I asked what that meant they laughed and told me this guy cashed (drank the whole bottle) a bottle of vodka and was then marinating…Sounds classy…Wow…what happened to just wasted? Anyway that guy marinated for awhile in detox…

Happy to report that I have only been buzzed two out of the last ten days.  Not slurring either.  I have not been jonsing for it,  a little tough today but if I can get to six oclock I am over it.  I have been working hard and have two solid deals put together for the end of the month.  Now I just need twenty five more by June. 

I miss hot yoga…

Tuesday and NOT HUNGOVER

Tuesdays are tough.  Probably because I work weekends and Tuesdays for me are like a lot of peoples Friday’ s.  I did not drink last night or tonight (or Sunday for that matter) .  I was testy from 3-5.  Maybe it was due to the fact of trying not to smoke too.  So get this I was at the grocery store today at the self check out and my checkout screen  starts telling me wait for an associate , so my light is blinking and I looking for the associate…my phone rang and noticed it was someone in my pipeline (I normally would have let this go to voice mail but no way in the situation I am in, not letting one thing slip by) and so I answer and this chick customer comes up and starts pushing buttons on my screen and flinging my shopping basket and telling me to get off my phone and pay for my stuff blah blah blah..so I hang up and tell this chick that I am waiting for an associate like the screen says…this chick is going crazy in the store. The manager had to come and move her.   Wow I thought I was crabby.  All I could think of is she may have it worse than me.   So one point for not being hungover today otherwise I would have knocked her out.  ahhahhahahaha

She saw me in the parking lot and probably got some satisfaction because I could not remember where I parked…roaming roaming roaming…

WordPress Therapy Tuesday

Im coming clean.   In my efforts to get my shit together I need to face what I am dealing with which is not pretty.  Outside of the fact that I binge drink and am completely ashamed of myself and sick of self loathing, which this may seem like another post like that.  I have come to the conclusion that at a minimum I have to be honest with myself.  I have been living my life on fear, wishes and dreams.  Although a hard worker and potentially the most loyal person you will meet, these qualities have not been getting me from a to b.  My journey is long and sound completely pathetic compared to what a lot of people have going on but it is my reality and my hell.  Where to begin I don’t know.  Do I go back to my childhood?  That only seems to tell me why I have lived my life the way I have but defiantly is not going to remedy it so wondering why I would go there.  I lived it and am sure it has paid a role in my adult life. Daughter of a  bar owner (yep sitting on a stool at 8) we were always living high or low, Catholic beyond belief complete with the hipocracy, secrets and continually living in fear of shame.  Never showing the low.   Over the past few years things for me have been a struggle.  A big struggle.  I am married to a really great guy, so great in fact the I shield him from everything bad.  I don’t ever like to see him unhappy or remotly struggle.  He works his ass off and is very talented, but it has never paid the bills fully.  So in efforts to keep him up I took care of everything.  We started our life humbly…both working had babies, worked hard and played hard too.  My job as the kids got older flourished so I flourished everyone, I took care of it all no worries for anyone.  I felt proud I could do it all.  Cutting to the chase times are rough and tough the flourishing stopped and I have pretended that it has not.  I have put my family which they do not even know in a very bad financial situation.  We live a modest life and I can’t maintain it.  I keep working but the deals are not coming.  I am a wreck inside.  I do not know what to do I am scared to death.  My pride is so thick I can’t begin to see thru it.  I know I have to do something like the truth.  I don’t think I can but I am getting past the point of repairing this like I have thought all along I could do.   I am by no means comparing myself to anyone.  I know there are worse off then me.  I guess this is the beginning of some sort of something.   I hate myself, that is why I drink  now (I pretend it for fun but it is the bandaid) that is the place where it all goes away for the time being.   I used think I drank for fun for social, I was the fun girl kept it in check although now looking back I was never in check slamming shots keeping the party going was probably always the way of avoiding my reality (AA 101) So I am guessing I need to keep re evaluating I don’t know if I can keep doing that I guess someone would tell me that you don’t get out unscathed. I am sure my pain runs deep like everyones.   I am spending too much time on it lately.  I hate wasted time…haha no pun intended.  I need to work.  Why do I even write here must be therapy.  I dont know if I want someone to see it or if I don’t.  I have not drank since Thursday but honestly really wanting to blow it today.  I have to fix this.  I am scared.