My Thank You


It has been so long since I have been here, meaning here writing.  So much has changed in the past year.

When I began writing here things were bad and secrets were held.  I was barely holding on some days and the fight was wearing me down to the ground which is where the excessive drinking came in.

I felt a bit of a misfit writing here.  So many bloggers with bigger issues than me, people who had accomplished there sobriety goals, extremely talented writers that I have had the pleasure of reading.  I never felt like I was an alcoholic or completely out of control which is why I felt a little out of place.  For people like me there does not seem to be a box to put us in or a label, sort of like the girl who eats crazy sugar but manages to stay thin but the issue still remains.

When you bare your soul people sympathize but if you are not excessively drowning you get little respect.

I was drinking, I felt horrible personally, I was hiding secrets etc same drill most excessive drinkers have.  The funny thing when I really reached out for real help I was told drinking was not my problem…I was.  What?  I wanted the label, something to blame all of my shit on.  But when I was told I was my own worst enemy and to get real…(I hate that term, what does that mean? ) I was so pissed off.  I did not think much about this advise, too pissed.  Imagine being rejected from a help group…So I dismissed it and also strangely enough stopped the self loathing, which put things in a nice order for me.

The stars aligned and I had the best year I have ever had.  I did not quit drinking, but it is now not the forefront of my mind anymore.  I have quit making drinking the biggest part of my life.  I do not use it as a scape goat.  It happens very rarely and if it does it is limited.

So I feel like I am in control.  I came here looking for help I really did, I came for support and I do think I found some.

I know there are others out there like me.  You don’t have to have the hugest sob story or be the drunkest on the block, or have outrageous experiences to be recognized as a person in pain.  You don’t have to have the fanciest blog, or bare all of your issues for some one to recognize that yep you are a little fucked up right now.  Thats what I was and most likely will always have a little fucked upness in me, I am ok with that. I am glad I am not really f***** up but I did need some support while I thought I was.

I can’t imagine I am the only one who needed to be heard, validated, pain recognized.  I was not here to write a killer blog or a personal journey.  I was here to find support, so if you can support someone who writes here, a kind word  I hope you would.  The support I did receive here did help, they were a few kind words from a few people and I would look every day to see if there was another message.  It helped.  I couldn’t give back and dedicate myself or all of my truth to this page. But I did take comfort in the small responses and other blogs I found along the way.

So if you are reading this and you are a little fucked up in your life, please know that you are not alone, it will pass, things will change and I support you.

Spousal Drinking


When I first starting pouring my thoughts out my life was out of control in many ways.  It was financial, secrets catching up with me and dishonest to myself.  I have corrected two out of the three items.  I am still dishonest to myself.  This is currently starting to take a toll.  By dishonest I mean I don’t know who I am, I don’t know who I love.  I drink too much.  Drinking is part of my marriage.  I am afraid with out it I won’t have one. It is where I drink 99% of the time.   I am married to a great guy who I think drinks too much too.  There I said it.  This is what we do best together, drink.  I am noticing when we don’t drink we have totally different views, perspectives, likes and I get irritated very easily with it all.  We have successfully raised children, started businesses and maintained our life.  Kids are gone, businesses back on track we are at the point where most people want to be.  Every other day or third day we drink together mostly at home alone, I love the bar he does not which is probably a good thing.  We finish work, plan a meal most likely something that can be prepared while fuzzy brained as we will eat after happy hour, and have a drink.  The conversation starts slow but by drink 5 music and conversation is in full swing.  We eat and my ending conversation is usually ragging on him about his diet and how he should be more healthy like me…He politely listens and we go to sleep.  The next morning I pretend that I am fine as I am sure he does as well.  But it is quiet and nothing like our happy cocktail experience the night before.  I have initiated conversations before about my drinking and he tells me I over react.  I have been on the sober wagon and he typically doesn’t like it, the support is low and he won’t commit with me as he does not see it as a problem. I have a ton of guilt writing this and feel like I am being disloyal.  I will be the first to admit when I have drinking on my brain and he does not I am internally pissed off, but I am a traditionalist and follow his lead.  I don’t and never have drank alone.  But when he wants to drink and I don’t I go along with it. I feel like I am throwing him under the bus.  I am not trying to I know this is my problem that I need to fix for myself I am scared where it will take us.   I am weak.   

Aside

It had been a while since I have filled my cup with ice and my favorite firewater.  But last night I had  four cocktails for no apparent reason other than it was nice out and I felt like it.  So I had  drinks with my neighbor and talked shit and laughed it was fun.  I dont’ feel as bad about it as I have not made the solid promise to myself.  I did that on purpose because I just beat the shit out of myself if I fail.  So all in all at the end of it, I didn’t like the way I felt, smelled and I slept crummy. I do feel ok that I did know what I was doing the whole time and I didn’t do the normal drink until you are slurring.  I obviously feel some sort of guilt or I would not be here… So onward and forward!

HABITS


I have discovered will power. Well maybe not.   I knew it was around but gosh just the words ‘WILL POWER” are intimidating.  I figured out that all the years and talk of will power is bs.  Of coarse strength is needed to change but really it is habits.  Every thing we do consistently good or bad is a habit.  Tying your shoes is  a habit.   To change a habit and you can is a lovely thing.  I have also discovered the power of my habits. Which was an interesting discovery which lead me to very slowly change my ways.  As we all know I am the person who had a two year pity party, complete with blame, booze and self pity.  I read my posts and it makes me sad, pathetic too especially the Dorthy one and I remember that day, I was in a dark place that day.   Those feelings were very real to me.  I was miserable.  I was crying out on WordPress!!  LOL!!  I was tired of all of it,  I was sick of myself.   I am not sure what did it for me to switch up but I think it was a book about habits that I stumbled upon.  It explained how habits are formed and can be changed by simply changing a few things.  So I actually started the process of changing my habits by setting my sights on not smoking.The book said to change one thing in your routine and also to have a reward.  I changed my get out of bed routine.  I normally went right for the coffee and Marlboros.  I needed a reward to change so I bought a really nice bar of hand soap that smells really good.  So first thing in the morning I wash my face, brush my teeth and wash my hands with this lovely scent.  I love it. If I am home every time I want to smoke and don’t I go wash my hands.    I have learned when you change things you must reward yourself in some manner to keep the good habit going.  My no smoking lead to no drinking.  I was so sick of the drinking and the habit was strong, I was on auto pilot.  It was my physical habit that kept it going; the way I moved thru my day, what triggers I put out there.  It was not for me like I felt a strong Need to drink, I just didn’t know what to do without it mentally, socially etc.  It was a very very bad habit.  I am not focusing on not drinking it seems to be working itself out on its own. I have not drank in over a month.   I stay busy, wash my hands alot and wake up feeling good.  I  pay attention to my senses,  it is amazing when you really think about it, seeing, smelling, hearing, touching etc.  Everything I do thru the day I try to really pay attention to my senses.  It is weird but it slows me way way down and puts my total focus off the bad things.   Its strange but it for some reason I discovered these small things and life is going well.  There will always be a list of things to work on but for now I am just content.

For the few of you who commented and were there for me during my dark days thank you, thank you, thank you!!!  You will never know that I needed that interaction.  One day at a time.  Peace and Rock on!

Best and Worse


Best thing about not being hung over…
1) not dehydrated
2) clear eyes
3) not a bitch
4) motivated

Worst thing
1)reality
2)trying not to drink in celebration of not drinking

Dayafterthe HOLIDAY hangover


Mid Holiday hangover. I honestly hate these holidays back to back. It is too much. Going from giving, enjoying and not giving a shit about work, bills, working out and obligations before Christmas “Oh don’t worry about that now It’s Christmas” to Celebrate the new year and talk of new beginnings to be better in one capacity or another, oh and hurry up and think of a resolution to do something or make your self a better person (right after you were allowed to blow your life off for Christmas). All in seven days…too much.
But being it is ingrained in my head to at least think of something I could do to make my self better in the new year I have come up with I am going to try and not swear. Now I think that is a good thing. It may just trickle down to other areas in my life that are lacking. If I don’t swear I for sure can’t drink as they go hand in hand. If I don’t swear maybe I won’t talk so much and that would make me a better listener. I will have to really think before I speak…. As they new year approaches I can only hope to be what I want to be which is truly aware of what I am doing every second of my day. I can only hope to have a little space between my thoughts to stop and think so that I can make the best decisions for me. I actually hope that for everyone.

Click Your Heels Three Times…


“A place where there isn’t any trouble. Do you suppose there is such a place, Toto? There must be. It’s not a place you can get to by a boat or a train. It’s far, far away. Behind the moon, beyond the rain.” Judy Garland/Dorthy

I don’t get it.  Really I don’t.  What is the message? In six hours I went from seeing the light to it all falling apart.  Four big deals fell apart.  Just like that boom.  I cant even feel sorry for myself.  I am numb.   I want to crawl in a cave.  I cannot see the message being sent to me.  Where is Glenda the good witch to tell me the secret like she told Dorthy?  Why am I stuck in Munchkin Land?  Why does my yellow brick road keep getting shut down for construction?  I don’t know but laying down in the poppy field is looking attractive…

New Season…


It has been awhile. FINALLY I think things MAYBE looking up. praise GOD any God you wish. There is this peak of light that I can see. Summer came and went and I am happy to post that I was able to get thru most of it with out having a major day of SHAME. Or maybe the few days I should have felt that way I just ignored it and moved forward. Long trying summer worked my ass off and hoping to reap the rewards. I did not concentrate on NOT drinking and by doing that I think I drank less. Actually I did not focus on anything but work. I only weeded my garden three times, have not worked out since June when the yoga studio closed (I did run into my yoga instructor…guess where…THE BEER GARDENS at the state fair HAHAHA) OMMM. I worked and worked and worked and happy to report I may reap the benifits this fall. I feel I am stuck until I get the finances in order than I can move on to a little enjoyment.

I also learned lol that a few people think they know my drinking patterns. Which I never thought anyone would be keeping up on that. I went to a wedding one night, the next day I was at a family function and two people said to me: “wow you look pretty good for being at a wedding last night, we thought for sure you would be hung over” like really I thought… F U… and many other thoughts and insults came flowing into my brain. So yeah obviously it bothered me that people would say that…ha the truth hurts. I was proud that they said I looked good BECAUSE I WAS HUNGOVER. Anyway always some defect to work on. Never ending work to become an acceptable human being.

The holiday is over


One more holiday done.  I spent the long weekend with the phone off in hopes of turning it on and receiving some good information on the financial scene.  I shut it off with a few potential sales in the hopper with only grim news on Tuesday.  I did however take the time away from work to try and do what you should be doing on days off.  I weeded my garden, saw my inlaws, went to the river, took a walk, enjoyed my husband and tried to smile the whole time.  It was nice.  I find myself envious of those who can work and then shut work off and do normal things.  I can never shut off work its like I am addicted to its dismal existence.

I did indulge in mojitos figuring I should use the mint from my garden (tried to post a photo but IT IS NOT WORKING!   Yes I over indulged.  Of coarse life was great for about three hours.  Hit the sack and found the tears streaming down my face as my husband slept soundly. I can cry silently like the girl at her first overnight camp shaking and crying but does it in way that her bunkmate will never know.  I know not to drink when there is so much on my mind IT IS NEVER a good idea.  Two days later and still trying to shake off the gloom.  Tatoo girl is home on school break, she is eyeing me she knows something is going on with me.

Go to yoga and guess what….THEY CLOSED over the weekend.  CLOSED LIKE NEVER OPENING AGAIN.  I am so bummed for them I knew they were struggling.  And I am bummed for ME…it was saving my ass…really not kidding, it has kept the slur factor away or at least infrequent.

Six job applications completed today and one new home I listed today, a full day and I am still staring at the computer searching jobs, marketing and all my contacts…I wish I could see what I am doing wrong…

I GAVE MONEY TO A PANHANDLER is this SELFISH OR NOT


Summer is finally in full swing. I am SO glad June is almost over. Married off my oldest son and the stress of that just about sent me over the edge…they were insistant on the big wedding at their expense but entailed out of town guests and family which required much interaction on my part. It was nice and now over with the married couple saying they should have just eloped. Hindsight 20/20.
I managed to keep my drinking to a minimum which on a few nights was very hard. I have been keeping things under control and am not waking up thinking if I will drink in the evening. I just stopped making it my focus point. Life is so dismal and I am slowly realizing I was blaming it all on the cocktails which gave me an excuse to continue on my self loathing path. So a new chapter begins without boozing(as in wasted) as the focus but I am at a loss on what to do financially. Working my ass off like many self employed for no cash is getting hard. Constantly applying for jobs with the constant rejection of over qualified or under qualified. I need to make money plain and simple. I am a super hard worker and so dedicated it is scary. I am at a point where something has to give good or bad it has to give.
I have been thankful for all the good in my life…health, family etc but it does not pay the bills. Looking for ideas. I know I am not alone in this arena. I was driving the other day and one of those guys with the cardboard sign was on my exit ramp “Need Work” I have never given any of them money but on that day I had my last $10 and I gave it to him, not sure why but I was hoping it was for the right reason and not because I needed something good to happen to me. Than I thought shit I should panhandle…crazy thoughts come in to your mind under stress. If I shared them all you would think I should be locked up. I want to believe this will all work out. Sad state of affairs for most with secrets, financial worries, health issues etc. Well at least I am not boozing it all away for the time being…so pray to your God for me that some light comes my way.