It has been so long since I have been here, meaning here writing. So much has changed in the past year.
When I began writing here things were bad and secrets were held. I was barely holding on some days and the fight was wearing me down to the ground which is where the excessive drinking came in.
I felt a bit of a misfit writing here. So many bloggers with bigger issues than me, people who had accomplished there sobriety goals, extremely talented writers that I have had the pleasure of reading. I never felt like I was an alcoholic or completely out of control which is why I felt a little out of place. For people like me there does not seem to be a box to put us in or a label, sort of like the girl who eats crazy sugar but manages to stay thin but the issue still remains.
When you bare your soul people sympathize but if you are not excessively drowning you get little respect.
I was drinking, I felt horrible personally, I was hiding secrets etc same drill most excessive drinkers have. The funny thing when I really reached out for real help I was told drinking was not my problem…I was. What? I wanted the label, something to blame all of my shit on. But when I was told I was my own worst enemy and to get real…(I hate that term, what does that mean? ) I was so pissed off. I did not think much about this advise, too pissed. Imagine being rejected from a help group…So I dismissed it and also strangely enough stopped the self loathing, which put things in a nice order for me.
The stars aligned and I had the best year I have ever had. I did not quit drinking, but it is now not the forefront of my mind anymore. I have quit making drinking the biggest part of my life. I do not use it as a scape goat. It happens very rarely and if it does it is limited.
So I feel like I am in control. I came here looking for help I really did, I came for support and I do think I found some.
I know there are others out there like me. You don’t have to have the hugest sob story or be the drunkest on the block, or have outrageous experiences to be recognized as a person in pain. You don’t have to have the fanciest blog, or bare all of your issues for some one to recognize that yep you are a little fucked up right now. Thats what I was and most likely will always have a little fucked upness in me, I am ok with that. I am glad I am not really f***** up but I did need some support while I thought I was.
I can’t imagine I am the only one who needed to be heard, validated, pain recognized. I was not here to write a killer blog or a personal journey. I was here to find support, so if you can support someone who writes here, a kind word I hope you would. The support I did receive here did help, they were a few kind words from a few people and I would look every day to see if there was another message. It helped. I couldn’t give back and dedicate myself or all of my truth to this page. But I did take comfort in the small responses and other blogs I found along the way.
So if you are reading this and you are a little fucked up in your life, please know that you are not alone, it will pass, things will change and I support you.