HABITS

I have discovered will power. Well maybe not.   I knew it was around but gosh just the words ‘WILL POWER” are intimidating.  I figured out that all the years and talk of will power is bs.  Of coarse strength is needed to change but really it is habits.  Every thing we do consistently good or bad is a habit.  Tying your shoes is  a habit.   To change a habit and you can is a lovely thing.  I have also discovered the power of my habits. Which was an interesting discovery which lead me to very slowly change my ways.  As we all know I am the person who had a two year pity party, complete with blame, booze and self pity.  I read my posts and it makes me sad, pathetic too especially the Dorthy one and I remember that day, I was in a dark place that day.   Those feelings were very real to me.  I was miserable.  I was crying out on WordPress!!  LOL!!  I was tired of all of it,  I was sick of myself.   I am not sure what did it for me to switch up but I think it was a book about habits that I stumbled upon.  It explained how habits are formed and can be changed by simply changing a few things.  So I actually started the process of changing my habits by setting my sights on not smoking.The book said to change one thing in your routine and also to have a reward.  I changed my get out of bed routine.  I normally went right for the coffee and Marlboros.  I needed a reward to change so I bought a really nice bar of hand soap that smells really good.  So first thing in the morning I wash my face, brush my teeth and wash my hands with this lovely scent.  I love it. If I am home every time I want to smoke and don’t I go wash my hands.    I have learned when you change things you must reward yourself in some manner to keep the good habit going.  My no smoking lead to no drinking.  I was so sick of the drinking and the habit was strong, I was on auto pilot.  It was my physical habit that kept it going; the way I moved thru my day, what triggers I put out there.  It was not for me like I felt a strong Need to drink, I just didn’t know what to do without it mentally, socially etc.  It was a very very bad habit.  I am not focusing on not drinking it seems to be working itself out on its own. I have not drank in over a month.   I stay busy, wash my hands alot and wake up feeling good.  I  pay attention to my senses,  it is amazing when you really think about it, seeing, smelling, hearing, touching etc.  Everything I do thru the day I try to really pay attention to my senses.  It is weird but it slows me way way down and puts my total focus off the bad things.   Its strange but it for some reason I discovered these small things and life is going well.  There will always be a list of things to work on but for now I am just content.

For the few of you who commented and were there for me during my dark days thank you, thank you, thank you!!!  You will never know that I needed that interaction.  One day at a time.  Peace and Rock on!

Click Your Heels Three Times…

“A place where there isn’t any trouble. Do you suppose there is such a place, Toto? There must be. It’s not a place you can get to by a boat or a train. It’s far, far away. Behind the moon, beyond the rain.” Judy Garland/Dorthy

I don’t get it.  Really I don’t.  What is the message? In six hours I went from seeing the light to it all falling apart.  Four big deals fell apart.  Just like that boom.  I cant even feel sorry for myself.  I am numb.   I want to crawl in a cave.  I cannot see the message being sent to me.  Where is Glenda the good witch to tell me the secret like she told Dorthy?  Why am I stuck in Munchkin Land?  Why does my yellow brick road keep getting shut down for construction?  I don’t know but laying down in the poppy field is looking attractive…

New Season…

It has been awhile. FINALLY I think things MAYBE looking up. praise GOD any God you wish. There is this peak of light that I can see. Summer came and went and I am happy to post that I was able to get thru most of it with out having a major day of SHAME. Or maybe the few days I should have felt that way I just ignored it and moved forward. Long trying summer worked my ass off and hoping to reap the rewards. I did not concentrate on NOT drinking and by doing that I think I drank less. Actually I did not focus on anything but work. I only weeded my garden three times, have not worked out since June when the yoga studio closed (I did run into my yoga instructor…guess where…THE BEER GARDENS at the state fair HAHAHA) OMMM. I worked and worked and worked and happy to report I may reap the benifits this fall. I feel I am stuck until I get the finances in order than I can move on to a little enjoyment.

I also learned lol that a few people think they know my drinking patterns. Which I never thought anyone would be keeping up on that. I went to a wedding one night, the next day I was at a family function and two people said to me: “wow you look pretty good for being at a wedding last night, we thought for sure you would be hung over” like really I thought… F U… and many other thoughts and insults came flowing into my brain. So yeah obviously it bothered me that people would say that…ha the truth hurts. I was proud that they said I looked good BECAUSE I WAS HUNGOVER. Anyway always some defect to work on. Never ending work to become an acceptable human being.

The holiday is over

One more holiday done.  I spent the long weekend with the phone off in hopes of turning it on and receiving some good information on the financial scene.  I shut it off with a few potential sales in the hopper with only grim news on Tuesday.  I did however take the time away from work to try and do what you should be doing on days off.  I weeded my garden, saw my inlaws, went to the river, took a walk, enjoyed my husband and tried to smile the whole time.  It was nice.  I find myself envious of those who can work and then shut work off and do normal things.  I can never shut off work its like I am addicted to its dismal existence.

I did indulge in mojitos figuring I should use the mint from my garden (tried to post a photo but IT IS NOT WORKING!   Yes I over indulged.  Of coarse life was great for about three hours.  Hit the sack and found the tears streaming down my face as my husband slept soundly. I can cry silently like the girl at her first overnight camp shaking and crying but does it in way that her bunkmate will never know.  I know not to drink when there is so much on my mind IT IS NEVER a good idea.  Two days later and still trying to shake off the gloom.  Tatoo girl is home on school break, she is eyeing me she knows something is going on with me.

Go to yoga and guess what….THEY CLOSED over the weekend.  CLOSED LIKE NEVER OPENING AGAIN.  I am so bummed for them I knew they were struggling.  And I am bummed for ME…it was saving my ass…really not kidding, it has kept the slur factor away or at least infrequent.

Six job applications completed today and one new home I listed today, a full day and I am still staring at the computer searching jobs, marketing and all my contacts…I wish I could see what I am doing wrong…