Good Friday…Freebie

Well it Good Friday. As far back as I can remember it is always a gloomy day,  I was taught to believe that Good Friday is the Friday within the Holy Week  and is a time of fasting and penance, the anniversary of Christ’s crucifixion and death. I never understood why the word ‘good’ is used.  Seems to me it should be ‘bad’ Friday.  I so remember fasting and going to confession to clear my soul.  I would lie in the confessional as a young child because I didn’t have any sins to tell.  Isn’t that funny the church  brainwashed me into thinking I HAD to be bad, I must have sins.  Good Lord I even had a script they made us memorize…Bless me Father for I have sinned… Those Catholics always trying to cleanse us. No wonder I’m f***** up with my guilt.

But for today it IS A GOOD FRIDAY!! I have been very good to myself.  No indulging (well one happy hour which I kept to a dull roar).  Feeling better .  It is nice to not have self imposed punishment.

So for all the sinners be kind to yourself today, history tells us someone else paid for your sins today.

Sorry Bethenny

Having a hard day today. I woke up very frustrated. I am sure I know why. I spent some time yesterday with a friend who I don’t see very often. She is a totally sober (never been a drinker) friend and she really knows very little about who I really am, she is that friend that you keep in touch with but you do not tell her very much about yourself because she could never understand it. She is a good mom has over achieving children, a husband who makes a good living and a mother who takes very very good care of her financially. Once the mother is gone my friend will be very well off. On the outside she looks like her life is complete Bliss. She does have struggles, she doesn’t think her husband likes her, her kids are turning into typical snotty teenagers and she says she has to toe the line with her mother to keep the financial piece secured for her future. I am listening to her thinking shit I don’t know if I can pay my car payment next month and you are worried that you may not have millions in the future and you currently have at least half of that, you may not see Italy this year and wow that is life altering because your kids are used to that kind of travel.  It was a little tough to listen to. But I thought my husband loves me and actually likes me too. My kids are doing ok. I guess it is all relative. So I was bored last night and tuned into reruns on Bravo TV and watched Bethenny Ever After. I gotta tell you I was irked by this show. I wrote a really nasty post about it/her this morning. Not my typical demeanor. After I posted it I felt  bad that I butchered Bethenny and I thought wow…what is my problem right now. What good is going to come from me verbally beating up on a reality tv chick. I deleted the post.  From what I can tell (not a wordpress guru) only eleven people saw it ( btw good traffic for me wait I had 24 the other day and I was happy!) Any way it is hump day and I can tell. Very edgy today. I just read a post that said it is fun to drink when you are happy and not fun when you are sad, frustrated etc. So I like that thought and seeing I am crabby today I guess I don’t have to worry about drinking tonight.

Can I just say NO????

Whew!! Made it thru the weekend! Two killer yogas classes done. Went to my cocktail party. This was a perfect storm for me. Nice weather, Saturday, women only, good booze served and good food. I decided to bring tattoo girl with me as I knew she would not want to stay long and is not of drinking age. I observed how others drank. Interesting and telling that I for sure know I have a slight problem. Most of these people can just have one or two. For me that is basically impossible as I am an all or none kind of person. Why have two??? Whats the point in that? That is my problem. I took my drink that was served to me, held it, went to the bathroom and dumped it out. No one noticed. Two friends asked if I wanted to drop tatoo girl off and go to the bar or go to my garage. I said sure because I am a coward that way. I said I will call you when I drop her…wtf??? I tell tatoo girl in the car I don’t want to hang out with these people, so I call them and bail, telling them all is quiet at the garage and tatoo girl needs the car…lies, lies, lies. But it got me thru. I had a few temptations over the weekend starting with Friday as I went to purchase a gift for Saturday and walked in to the boutique and holy shit they are having their anniversary party complete with Vodka drinks greeting me at the door…shit shit shit what the heck is this legal? Dont they have to have a liquor license? I took the little cup to be polite and set it down on a table. Why I just didn’t say no thanks is beyond me. Got the heck out of there as I saw a friend browsing around and did not want talk to her and have my fun mood kick in. Went home and my better half is having a beer…ugggggg. We live in a place where the weather sucks…cold, snow etc. It is very customary to have heated garages complete with TV’s, refrigerators, smoke ventilation ( a personal bar really) etc. I am married to a contractor so my garage is stellar the first man cave if you will. Complete with bar and stools nice lighting, etc. People love coming here. Smoking is allowed in here as no one smokes in their homes but everyone seems to be a closet smoker. So he is there having happy hour. I immediately went in to the house and randomly starting cooking to distract myself. Thankful for the building separation. He comes in asks if I am coming out…now he knows I am coming off my hangover. He says: you don’t have to join me if you don’t want too. That is the perfect ploy from him. I said I will come out and sit with you. I did. I didn’t drink. He tells me I am too hard on myself. I just know this was a fun life in its time. I need to be done with the booze as my primary source of entertainment, stress relief, time killer etc. Hoping for a good week…

Jackpot

Day seven…No drinks in seven days.  It is nice that it is happening on it own kind of.  I am not thinking about it too much so it just seems to naturally be happening.  Casino brain.  You know when you are at a casino and you are playing the slots and when you just daze out and not think about  the money or the math of it all and your mind gets just zoned…and all of a sudden you win.  That is what I am feeling like…so now just waiting for the jackpot to drop.

Booze or Blunt

 21 Yeas Old is the year of passage.  The year you can finally belly up to the bar.  The year you love getting carded.  The year you walk proudly in to the liquor store.  You now are an official adult because you can legally get drunk. 

My middle son just turned 21.  I will tell you I was awaiting for his birthday…going out with the family, having drinks at a bar.  I love the bar.  I don’t go very often anymore but when I do I get this calming excitement.   So we are at the bar and he is getting the 21 year old birthday treatment, free cheap rail drink, tee-shirt and pressure to consume more booze.  He ditched the cheap drink, passed on the shot and gave the tee to his sister.  He sat calmly drinking a Rolling Rock.   He looks up and says…”this is nice but to tell you the truth I would rather be at my apartment smoking a blunt than drinking at a bar” …WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW.  I wasn’t sure if I should laugh, yell, cry or be grateful…

Slipping in to Monday

I just re read my completely tantrum laiden post I wrote on Saturday.  Hung over I was and the shame followed AS USUAL.  I still am not sure why I write here.  I am sure there are several people that could decifer why I do.  Now a beautiful Monday.  Sober for day two.  I just received a call from a past client thanking me for helping her get her deal done a few monthes ago.  It is always so nice to hear that restores my faith.  Hoping to have a good week.  Going to try and not indulge and see what happens. It is a very slippery slope for me. I was proud yesterday, one of my sons returned from Afganistan and I did not drink for the celebration.  I will be honest what kept me sober was I knew I had to drive someone home later that evening.  Regardless I stayed sober.    I still hate Wells Fargo.

Another sober Weekend

I did it.  I had the come to Jesus talk with myself and faced my nightmare.  I unloaded all my finacialswoes with my other half.  I am feeling a little rejuvenated.  Funny how stuffing everything away and trying to handle it yourself and little secrets  will weigh on you. Funny how the booze band aid does actually work temporarily.  I know why people do it.  I know why people stay in that state.  It is simply easier.   Last night for the first time in a long time I did not want to drink.  The thought of being buzzed and talking about my situation made me sick.  I can’t and won’t drink all weekend.  I did put them back on Thursday and loved every second of it.  I always say to myself after three  bumps I love this and I do.  I am going to try and continue to stay away from my demons and hopefully good things come.

Blogroll is that Legal?

First I need the instructions on ‘blogroll’.    Ha, in my world that could be something illegal, or it sounds like code my kids talk in.  My oldest is a highway patrol man and he brought his brother  on a ride along one nite..and they were talking about the night and  someone who was marinating…when I asked what that meant they laughed and told me this guy cashed (drank the whole bottle) a bottle of vodka and was then marinating…Sounds classy…Wow…what happened to just wasted? Anyway that guy marinated for awhile in detox…

Happy to report that I have only been buzzed two out of the last ten days.  Not slurring either.  I have not been jonsing for it,  a little tough today but if I can get to six oclock I am over it.  I have been working hard and have two solid deals put together for the end of the month.  Now I just need twenty five more by June. 

I miss hot yoga…

Tuesday and NOT HUNGOVER

Tuesdays are tough.  Probably because I work weekends and Tuesdays for me are like a lot of peoples Friday’ s.  I did not drink last night or tonight (or Sunday for that matter) .  I was testy from 3-5.  Maybe it was due to the fact of trying not to smoke too.  So get this I was at the grocery store today at the self check out and my checkout screen  starts telling me wait for an associate , so my light is blinking and I looking for the associate…my phone rang and noticed it was someone in my pipeline (I normally would have let this go to voice mail but no way in the situation I am in, not letting one thing slip by) and so I answer and this chick customer comes up and starts pushing buttons on my screen and flinging my shopping basket and telling me to get off my phone and pay for my stuff blah blah blah..so I hang up and tell this chick that I am waiting for an associate like the screen says…this chick is going crazy in the store. The manager had to come and move her.   Wow I thought I was crabby.  All I could think of is she may have it worse than me.   So one point for not being hungover today otherwise I would have knocked her out.  ahhahhahahaha

She saw me in the parking lot and probably got some satisfaction because I could not remember where I parked…roaming roaming roaming…